Fasion Facts

What's up Valley?!?! First, I'm sorry it's been a about a week since I got at you, but I was really hungover on Sunday and I planned on doing it then, but it didn't happen, and then yesterday was Monday and that means 24 and Heroes...but don't worry, I'm back! Alright Valley, we're going to mix it up a bit tonight. It has come to my attention that a few women have been so kind to read the blog. I received a little attitude (shocker right) about how reading all about sports isn't that cool. I clearly explained to them that they were straight bonkers, and then I told them I got a little something for them. So we are going to do a little post on fashion tonight. And on the menu tonight is how NOT to look hot. Now, I'm no Michael Koors and this isn't going to be a "queer eye for the whatever". I'm straight as an arrow, I love women, and I love it when they look right. I also appreciate it when guys look right. I don't know, I just appreciate fashion a little more than the average guy. And, I think I'm pretty darn good at it for a small town jock. If you don't believe me, ask any of my ex-girlfriends or girls who know me, how many articles of clothing they have owned that I helped pick out or outfits I helped put together...true story. Granted, I have had my mistakes in the past, and worn some pretty outrageous things, but I like to stretch the boundaries a little bit and won't apologize for it. So, with all of that in mind lets talk about a few of The KValley Report's no-no's.





Do you know the "Muffin top"...???



So, it recently came to my attention that there was a name for this atrocity. Prior to my buddy JB informing me of this perfect definition, I just knew it as disgusting, stupid, and trash bag. Obviously, that was a gross picture, but there are all levels of this non-sense going on. Ladies, having a little love-handle is not a big deal, that happens. But if it does happen, you don't throw on some low cut jeans, and a crop top. Ladies, many of us like some meat on our women's bones and if a little love handle exists, that's okay. But what's not okay is pretending that you can get into the same clothes you wore that fall before your freshman year in college. Yes, you remember, those same clothes that haven't fit since discovering the soft serve ice-cream was right next to the cookies in the cafeteria. Let me say this with as much clarity as possible: THIS
is unacceptable, end of story. get some clothes that fit right, make yourself look presentable and things will be just fine for you finding men and friends. And before I move on, gentlemen, don't think you are free and clear of this problem too. Now, it's not usually as egregious granted, but the man "muffin top" is out there and needs to be dealt with. With men a lot of times the muffin is so big it's pouring out the front and you need to understand what your working with and put in place a strategy to avoid IT. I only have one more thing to say about this. STOP IT!!!!!



Geeks come out at night...



It's important that people don't twist what I'm going to say. I have nothing against women in tennis shoes or sneakers whatsoever. I love an athletic woman, I know tennis shoes are more comfy than most other shoes, and I'm in no way saying they should not be worn. BUT, what I am saying is if you are out for the night, you better not have any sneaks on. First of all, the concept of women in jeans and tennis shoes doesn't usually work in general (now, there are certain tennis shoes that can work with jeans, but as a general rule, avoid this possible no-no), but it definitely doesn't work if you're out for the night. The same goes for shorts and sneakers. If you're not working out, stay clear of this combo. Listen, I empathize with you on this because I can't imagine that heels are comfortable, but they must be worn. Ballet shoes are cool too, but NO tennis shoes after dark. It's just not hot. A nice pair of shoes on a girl can definitely make me say "dang". Also, women will notice and say "great shoes". I promise you that unless you're at a "Reebok Classics" party, nobody will say that or think that about your tennis shoes on the rooftop of Stellas or on the dance floor at Martini Park. I think most women will agree with me on this, so I'm not so worried that I'll get stomped by some "Air Force 1's" at the bar. It is just a large pet peeve of mine because I've come across some women who just had no idea that this was a fashion fact....and it is. I apologize I couldn't find any pictures, and actually I'm happy I couldn't. Seriously, just knock it off if you're an offender.



Don't you dare tuck that in!!



This one is for the gentlemen. I know that a lot of time older guys do this and that part is probably a generational thing. But there is FAR too much of this going on overall. Nothing should be tucked into jeans. and if the bottom of your jeans are too narrow that they looked like they're tucked into your shoes, you just hit double trouble. First, shirts should not be tucked into your jeans. Obviously, the front tuck has become acceptable and that's just a bit of flair that began when belt buckles got popular. That's fine. I'm talking about the full shirt tuck into the jeans when you're hanging out. It's called "hanging out" for several reasons and one of them is to leave the shirt out of your jeans!! You may see some different opinions on this depending on the jeans, shirts, age, etc....but in general you don't want to end up looking like old boy. Second, if your pants aren't wide enough at the bottom to at least cover the tops of your shoes, you're wearing tapered jeans, and it's not hot. Many a jokes are out there about tapered pants, but you'd be surprised at how many people still wear the snot out of them. Now, Tony Squawk is sporting a bunch of things that we could discuss with a sharp tongue, but notice the tapered jeans...not hot. He's not going to be getting a date today (I admit, for a NUMBER of reasons, but I couldn't resist).



Hope I could raise the awareness on some highly sensitive issues tonight. If not, I hope you laughed at least once. And now, the time has come for some words from the wise...



"...Fashion, turn to the left, Fashion, turn to the right, Fashion. We are the goon squad and we're coming to town, beep beep...beep beep." David Bowie...David freaking Bowie!!!



Out like Zubazz

McQuillan