Good evening Valley, a good evening indeed. I hope everyone's weekend was filled with fun, love, relaxation, and burritos. I hope people enjoyed those commercials, because I love them. If you don't think they're funny, you have a sense of humor similar to an infant who just had his pre-pumped breast milk spiked with scotch, and is passed out. Sorry to draw the infant parallel, what I meant was you suck if you don't like those commercials. Now onto the intended agenda.
How about this weekends NCAA tourney games!!!! If you couldn't guess or predict that sarcasm had infiltrated that last sentence, know that it did. There were 3 games that ended in ANY type of heightened excitement out of the 12 total. So, overall, very un-march madness like. But, if anyone watched the Villanova/Pitt game, it came close to making up for the rest. What a slug fest that was, and for two of my fellow Winonans a great day for their Alma Mater. It's easy to look at the collection of games and say "boring" but I believe there is a silver lining in the lack of suspense this past weekend. There just can't be enough said about how awesome Ty Lawson is. And as someone who has had a "turf toe" before I know it hurts him to do what he does out there. I mean, it effectively ended Deion Sanders' career. That injury is not to be messed with and he seems to have just shrugged it off. Not to mention the supporting cast he has is just cold...freezing cold. Blake Griffin is just a "manchild" he is very fun to watch and hitting his head on the backboard while dunking is just great, I hope he scars...big, tall, athletic...guy!!!! Villanova is so fun to watch, great D, good shooters, and great guard play. Watching them blow out Duke was just as good as watching them squeak one out last night. Kemble Walker for is a rising star and was great to watch for Uconn, they are going to tough to beat if Thabeet can stay out of foul trouble. But ultimately, UNC is really, really good and I personally think they'll win the whole thing. Now that leads me to my Final Four picks.
I had Memphis winning the whole thing and they let me down again. Impressive showing by Mizzou, I love the way they play. I also had Pitt going, as so did everyone else, but I was actually cheering for Villanova. 'Nova is way more fun to watch and I'm pumped they're playing UNC next weekend. I did have Michigan State and they proved me right in two impressive performances. Izzo is a baller. So I have UNC and Michigan State alive out of my Final Four and I didn't pick the winner as I had Memphis beating the Tar Heels. I'm not discouraged though, as I'm looking forward to the Final Four games. UNC will beat Uconn in the championship game...write it down.
He's back, and ringing the bell...
Luckily, I watched Tiger Woods today. I was paying attention to the tournament whis weekend and he started the day down 5 strokes. Guess what, he hit a 17 foot put on 18 to win it. I mean, how amazing is this guy. It never gets old. Even when you're expecting him to do it, it is still awesome. The cameras flashing, his reaction, the crowd noise...it's almost unlike golf. He is a spectacle and worth the price of admission. I was thinking earlier; even though I was cheering for him to make the put and win, I wouldn't have been upset if he missed it. I think the main reason for that is because it would bring his humanity down to a "more" human level. At any rate, it was awesome to watch, It's hard to imagine what golf is going to be like without Tiger and I'm just glad I don't have to know for a long time. Welcome back Eldridge....
I happened to notice that we've gone over 700 hits at the KValley Report. I am super amped and happy people keep reading. We have a lot of fun things planned and I hope that ideas from the Valley will help continue the string of fun we are hopefully putting together here. So I have a couple of fun things to end our talk this evening, so pay attention chumps!!
"Oh, We're heading for Venus, and still we stand tall.
Cause maybe they've seen us and welcome us all, yeah....
With so many light years to go, and things to be found, to be found....
I'm sure that we'll all miss her so....It's the final countdown!!!!"
ONIONS!!!
Out like Pitt
McQuillan
If anyone out there has anything they think I should add or talk about please feel free to let me know at kvalleyreport@gmail.com.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
"Hey girl, can I hit you back?"
Alright, Valley, real quick. I want to follow up more on the NCAA tourney but I'll wait til after this weekends games. I just wanted to say what's up and provide two of the funniest commercials I can remember seeing. Obviously, by the heading of this post you have a good hint, but I'm not talking about that commercial specifically. Please enjoy these videos, l-o-freaking-l.
"Frank, it was on the cart path..."
The golden pipes!!!!!
I couldn't help but promote these gems a little more. Have a good night Valley, don't choke on the NCAA chalk...cough, cough...
Out like a tee shot from Shankappotomas!!
McQuillan
"Frank, it was on the cart path..."
The golden pipes!!!!!
I couldn't help but promote these gems a little more. Have a good night Valley, don't choke on the NCAA chalk...cough, cough...
Out like a tee shot from Shankappotomas!!
McQuillan
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Things That Rule.
Good evening Valley, glad to be back in your presence. Tonight I'm going to acknowledge a few things that totally rule. No specific order or pattern, just kick butt stuff. First though, I want to get to a few administrative items.
--Remember way back when I went on that date to the Annie musical? and how I was not sure if she was into me or not?? Well, nothing came of it and it turns out she just wasn't too randy. So, good move by me to not go for the full kiss. I figured I owed it to the Valley to follow up on that. One side note, she totally commented on my facebook status the other day, so I know she's not forgotten about me...
--Next, St. Patty's day in Chicago was a blast. Shot out to the whole crew who made it a great day, and a BIG shot out to Kristi and Karolyn for hooking your boy up with the hottest facebook profile pic this side of the Mississippi...or the other side, really. I was able to hold down the green beer and not have too bad a hangover either. Solid weekend.
--How do my Final Four picks look through the first two rounds? The answer is "great".
--Please EVERYBODY remember to put their mock drafts together for the "NFL Draft Pick'em" that we're doing here at the KValley Report. The winner will get to write an entry in the Report about whatever they want...within reason.
Those items were brought to you by the YMCA...go there, don't be fat.
What Rules?
I'll tell you some things that rule, listen up:
1. Paulina Meat Market/Real Beef Jerky
The Paulina Meat Market http://www.paulinameatmarket.com/ is not only an old neighborhood staple for me personally, but it is nationally known for ruling. it's been on the food network, written up in mags all over, and for good reason. They have tons of awesome stuff there, but if you could taste their Cajun beef jerky, you would know what I mean. This is no BP gas station style beef jerky, this is real cured slab of beef that you ask them to slice up for you. It is simply tantalizing. It's spicy, but soft, and not oily like a "Slim Jim" so snap out of that junk and holler at the meat market. Yes they ship. I go there every time I'm back, and I will be ordering some more because I'm almost out....although not of my malted milk balls or gummi bears!!!!! Beef jerky, overall, is pretty good stuff, but this is the Aston Martin of beef jerky, if you will. in fact, I'm munching on some right now!!!!
2. Saturdays
Honestly, who doesn't LOVE Saturdays? You can just click that X at the top right of your computer screen if you don't like Saturdays, because you have no business reading any further. No work, happy about the night before when you met a hottie at happy hour, then you partied all night and totally made out at the bar. Sleeping in because obviously, there's no work (for non service industry people) and you know there's no work the next day either!! College football, College basketball, parties, friends meeting up...I mean DANG, I love Saturdays!! Food tastes better on Saturday, Templeton's Rye Whisky tastes better on Saturday, girls look cuter on Saturday, and my friends are way more fun than they usually are on Saturday. Big shot out to Saturdays...
3.
Ummm yeah, that rules!!!!! Big shot out to little buddy who took it on the dome in that video, he has made me laugh about 25 times...
4. DVR
I heart DVR. That's all there is too it. It's as addicting as combining cigarettes and the Internet. I mean, once you have DVR, going back is basically not an option. I'm to the point I don't really even know when some shows are on anymore cuz i know i can just punch it up on DVR. Kind of like how I can still remember Missy Klinger's phone number from when I was in 6th grade, but I have no clue what all my best friends' current phone numbers are. Why is that? Cell phone memory is the clear answer. Same concept, but would you rather not have it?? No way Jose. I mean I'm DVR'ing right now, it's literally just part of life at this point. When you don't even think about something but it is used everyday, that's when you know something rules.
5. College Football
I love football, football is (will be) my life. I played college football and there was never a time I enjoyed more in my life than those 5 years. I don't think there's anything like college football. Yes, at the D1 A level there is no playoff and it's a complete sham to decide the national championship, but I'm not really concentrating on that---It's the Atmosphere every Saturday on campus. It's the camaraderie between 100 totally different guys coming together to play the greatest sport on earth. It's the smell of the grass, or the smell of the field turf. It's school fight songs, it's tailgating, and it's cheering for your boys. It's competing, it's getting smashed and getting up, and it's winning...and losing sometimes. It's small stadiums with fans standing all along the endzones, and it's enormous, breath taking stadiums that fit more people than 3 of my home towns. It's knowing the fans are going crazy when you're scoring a TD, but not being able to hear them. It's the respect teams and fans of either school show an injured athlete, when the game collides with life and it just makes sense. It's stepping foot on the field you grew up dreaming to play on, and it's knowing you belong. It's the reason friends get together, laugh, eat, and drink during the greatest Day of the week. It's where 5'10, 175 lbs. may mean as much as 6'6 330 lbs. It's hugging your dirty, beaten, bloodied teammates knowing they're thinking the same things you are without ever saying it. It's taking your girlfriend to a game, and knowing she'll enjoy it, it's going to a game with your boys and knowing your girlfriend won't care. It's nachos, hot dogs, and peanuts. It's the after party when your teams wins. It's knowing on the field that you represent a lot more than yourself and it's seeing your friends and family after the game, knowing you represented them like you were supposed to...It's the feeling I have right now even thinking about it all.................feel me?
I've got some love for you Valley, listen up:
"Yo girl, you shining like a brand new spanking black glock, or 1000 hundred dollar bills inside a shoe box. Exotic bird, blend of selected fine herbs, make me wanna kick my old chick to the curb. Shaped like a naked statue, but look sacred...like candy to a baby, I'm ready to take it. Just spread your wings like a peacock, girl you be the BOMB and Bobby be shell shocked......Love Jones, I got a love jones, I got a love jones......for you" RZA, Love Jones
oooooo--eeeeee, now that is some sweet, smooth loving for the Valley right there.....
Out like Lance Armstrong, fall down go boom.
McQuillan
For any ideas, thoughts, or just sweet smooth non-sense, hit me up at kvalleyreport@gmail.com. And remember to get your NFL Draft selections ready and sent there too...1
--Remember way back when I went on that date to the Annie musical? and how I was not sure if she was into me or not?? Well, nothing came of it and it turns out she just wasn't too randy. So, good move by me to not go for the full kiss. I figured I owed it to the Valley to follow up on that. One side note, she totally commented on my facebook status the other day, so I know she's not forgotten about me...
--Next, St. Patty's day in Chicago was a blast. Shot out to the whole crew who made it a great day, and a BIG shot out to Kristi and Karolyn for hooking your boy up with the hottest facebook profile pic this side of the Mississippi...or the other side, really. I was able to hold down the green beer and not have too bad a hangover either. Solid weekend.
--How do my Final Four picks look through the first two rounds? The answer is "great".
--Please EVERYBODY remember to put their mock drafts together for the "NFL Draft Pick'em" that we're doing here at the KValley Report. The winner will get to write an entry in the Report about whatever they want...within reason.
Those items were brought to you by the YMCA...go there, don't be fat.
What Rules?
I'll tell you some things that rule, listen up:
1. Paulina Meat Market/Real Beef Jerky
The Paulina Meat Market http://www.paulinameatmarket.com/ is not only an old neighborhood staple for me personally, but it is nationally known for ruling. it's been on the food network, written up in mags all over, and for good reason. They have tons of awesome stuff there, but if you could taste their Cajun beef jerky, you would know what I mean. This is no BP gas station style beef jerky, this is real cured slab of beef that you ask them to slice up for you. It is simply tantalizing. It's spicy, but soft, and not oily like a "Slim Jim" so snap out of that junk and holler at the meat market. Yes they ship. I go there every time I'm back, and I will be ordering some more because I'm almost out....although not of my malted milk balls or gummi bears!!!!! Beef jerky, overall, is pretty good stuff, but this is the Aston Martin of beef jerky, if you will. in fact, I'm munching on some right now!!!!
2. Saturdays
Honestly, who doesn't LOVE Saturdays? You can just click that X at the top right of your computer screen if you don't like Saturdays, because you have no business reading any further. No work, happy about the night before when you met a hottie at happy hour, then you partied all night and totally made out at the bar. Sleeping in because obviously, there's no work (for non service industry people) and you know there's no work the next day either!! College football, College basketball, parties, friends meeting up...I mean DANG, I love Saturdays!! Food tastes better on Saturday, Templeton's Rye Whisky tastes better on Saturday, girls look cuter on Saturday, and my friends are way more fun than they usually are on Saturday. Big shot out to Saturdays...
3.
Ummm yeah, that rules!!!!! Big shot out to little buddy who took it on the dome in that video, he has made me laugh about 25 times...
4. DVR
I heart DVR. That's all there is too it. It's as addicting as combining cigarettes and the Internet. I mean, once you have DVR, going back is basically not an option. I'm to the point I don't really even know when some shows are on anymore cuz i know i can just punch it up on DVR. Kind of like how I can still remember Missy Klinger's phone number from when I was in 6th grade, but I have no clue what all my best friends' current phone numbers are. Why is that? Cell phone memory is the clear answer. Same concept, but would you rather not have it?? No way Jose. I mean I'm DVR'ing right now, it's literally just part of life at this point. When you don't even think about something but it is used everyday, that's when you know something rules.
5. College Football
I love football, football is (will be) my life. I played college football and there was never a time I enjoyed more in my life than those 5 years. I don't think there's anything like college football. Yes, at the D1 A level there is no playoff and it's a complete sham to decide the national championship, but I'm not really concentrating on that---It's the Atmosphere every Saturday on campus. It's the camaraderie between 100 totally different guys coming together to play the greatest sport on earth. It's the smell of the grass, or the smell of the field turf. It's school fight songs, it's tailgating, and it's cheering for your boys. It's competing, it's getting smashed and getting up, and it's winning...and losing sometimes. It's small stadiums with fans standing all along the endzones, and it's enormous, breath taking stadiums that fit more people than 3 of my home towns. It's knowing the fans are going crazy when you're scoring a TD, but not being able to hear them. It's the respect teams and fans of either school show an injured athlete, when the game collides with life and it just makes sense. It's stepping foot on the field you grew up dreaming to play on, and it's knowing you belong. It's the reason friends get together, laugh, eat, and drink during the greatest Day of the week. It's where 5'10, 175 lbs. may mean as much as 6'6 330 lbs. It's hugging your dirty, beaten, bloodied teammates knowing they're thinking the same things you are without ever saying it. It's taking your girlfriend to a game, and knowing she'll enjoy it, it's going to a game with your boys and knowing your girlfriend won't care. It's nachos, hot dogs, and peanuts. It's the after party when your teams wins. It's knowing on the field that you represent a lot more than yourself and it's seeing your friends and family after the game, knowing you represented them like you were supposed to...It's the feeling I have right now even thinking about it all.................feel me?
I've got some love for you Valley, listen up:
"Yo girl, you shining like a brand new spanking black glock, or 1000 hundred dollar bills inside a shoe box. Exotic bird, blend of selected fine herbs, make me wanna kick my old chick to the curb. Shaped like a naked statue, but look sacred...like candy to a baby, I'm ready to take it. Just spread your wings like a peacock, girl you be the BOMB and Bobby be shell shocked......Love Jones, I got a love jones, I got a love jones......for you" RZA, Love Jones
oooooo--eeeeee, now that is some sweet, smooth loving for the Valley right there.....
Out like Lance Armstrong, fall down go boom.
McQuillan
For any ideas, thoughts, or just sweet smooth non-sense, hit me up at kvalleyreport@gmail.com. And remember to get your NFL Draft selections ready and sent there too...1
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Celebration!
Let's be honest Valley. Living in America gives us so many reasons to celebrate. Even in times of financial difficulties, it's still the best place to be. March Madness, College Football, Fantasy baseball auctions, Cheeseburgers, Maxim Magazine, The Rucker, Key West, Ponzi Schemes...oh wait, sorry...I mean, how many examples are there?? Well, today I am celebrating with some friends, and we're celebrating the NCAA tourney and our City League Basketball team. I am sad to report that we finished second, with a tough loss in the championship game this past Wednesday. We were missing our feistiest player and it hurt a little but all in all it was a good season and we are celebrating, as we should. How are we celebrating? With beers, basketball and Courvoisier....pass the Courvoisier baby.
Also, we are celebrating the fact that The KValley Report has surpassed 500 hits!!!! I mean what's next, appearances on Leno, The View, or Light at Night with Al Light????? Things are blowing up, so what better way to celebrate the 500 hits than with a game of...you got is "500" My boys and I are going outside right this minute to play a game that raised us on the elementary playgrounds, I'll be back...........
.............Wow. It began as an intense childhood rivalry between great friends, and it ended without reaching the actual "500" score but instead, with everyone's shoes filled with dog poo.
Haha, that was awesome. What I can say is that Mikey Schroeder was in the lead with 200, and Erik "Perm" Ferden failed to capitalize on a direct pass to him and ended with 0. It's okay, it's the thought that counts. Thanks Valley for 500 and hopefully many more. Now back to beer and basketball!! Of course after some very exciting lyrics. And like my friend Kevin just said, "Ahhh, music and basketball, music and basketball...."
"I like beer in my fridge, especially when there's nothing else in it!!! Half a loaf of bread....Beer in my fridge...." Jeffrey Lee Lubinski, to the instrumental of "Afternoon Delight"
Out like Wake Forest (big fart noise)
McQuillan
--With ideas, stories, or just some random nonsense...which I love, email me at:
kvalleyreport@gmail.com
Also, we are celebrating the fact that The KValley Report has surpassed 500 hits!!!! I mean what's next, appearances on Leno, The View, or Light at Night with Al Light????? Things are blowing up, so what better way to celebrate the 500 hits than with a game of...you got is "500" My boys and I are going outside right this minute to play a game that raised us on the elementary playgrounds, I'll be back...........
.............Wow. It began as an intense childhood rivalry between great friends, and it ended without reaching the actual "500" score but instead, with everyone's shoes filled with dog poo.
Haha, that was awesome. What I can say is that Mikey Schroeder was in the lead with 200, and Erik "Perm" Ferden failed to capitalize on a direct pass to him and ended with 0. It's okay, it's the thought that counts. Thanks Valley for 500 and hopefully many more. Now back to beer and basketball!! Of course after some very exciting lyrics. And like my friend Kevin just said, "Ahhh, music and basketball, music and basketball...."
"I like beer in my fridge, especially when there's nothing else in it!!! Half a loaf of bread....Beer in my fridge...." Jeffrey Lee Lubinski, to the instrumental of "Afternoon Delight"
Out like Wake Forest (big fart noise)
McQuillan
--With ideas, stories, or just some random nonsense...which I love, email me at:
kvalleyreport@gmail.com
Thursday, March 19, 2009
HAPPY NCAA TOURNEY!!!!
Just wanted to give love to the tournament of all tournaments. It begins this morning, and I'll be at work....not hot. Oh well, it's still a great time of the year. The weather is getting better, the NCAA tournament thrills us, and fantasy baseball begins, YES!! Good luck to everyone in their brackets, and I'll give you my Final 4 picks:
1. UNC - too much game...Ty Lawson's injury worries me, and could make this pick totally irrelevant is he can't play, but we'll wait and see.
2. Michigan State - not a lot of talk about them, but tough as nails, and nobody is better than Izzo come tourney time.
3. Pitt - I'm not a big fan of them but they are tough and i don't see anyone beating them up in that bracket.
4. Memphis - Not getting a lot of love, Uconn losing Dyson is too big for them to run the table, and Memphis plays lock down D, and I love that. I'm giving them another shot after they broke my heart last year....
Lots of parity this year in collegel hoops, should make for another wild tounrey, enjoy!!! And to kcik it off, I give you an ESPN top 10 countdown of tourney buzzer beaters...
"Lets get the party started right...Let's get the party started quickly!"
Out like an unlucky favorite...
McQuillan
PS. scroll down to check out one of the best stories you've ever read.....
1. UNC - too much game...Ty Lawson's injury worries me, and could make this pick totally irrelevant is he can't play, but we'll wait and see.
2. Michigan State - not a lot of talk about them, but tough as nails, and nobody is better than Izzo come tourney time.
3. Pitt - I'm not a big fan of them but they are tough and i don't see anyone beating them up in that bracket.
4. Memphis - Not getting a lot of love, Uconn losing Dyson is too big for them to run the table, and Memphis plays lock down D, and I love that. I'm giving them another shot after they broke my heart last year....
Lots of parity this year in collegel hoops, should make for another wild tounrey, enjoy!!! And to kcik it off, I give you an ESPN top 10 countdown of tourney buzzer beaters...
"Lets get the party started right...Let's get the party started quickly!"
Out like an unlucky favorite...
McQuillan
PS. scroll down to check out one of the best stories you've ever read.....
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The Great Escape
Alright Valley, I know it's been a while, but I was letting the suspense build....plus I was in Chicago for St. Patty's day, and it ruled. We'll get to more about that later. I just want to let everyone know that this story is absolutely amazing. It is an entirely true story, and names have been erased to protect the...um...innocent...cough. I imagine some of you out there know the people involved or were the people involved, and I will ask you to comment all you want, but keep the characters names off the comments. I won't post the comments if you use his name, but just don't do it. It's such a radical story that it has to be told, but we're not always proud of our youthful debacles. We are lucky enough that Mr. Blank shared his story, so just enjoy.......................................
La Fiesta
I was 21 years and a college student. I obviously thought I new everything and nothing could bring me down. The typical 21 year old male college student. A bunch of us buddies decided to go to Cancun on spring break. So we get to Mexico full of joy, excitement and ready for another spring break with the boys. Little did I know I was about to be in for the worst day of my life. We checked into our hotel and the festivities began. The night started out like any other, beer bongs, shots, the usual good times with the boys. As the night went on, we started to think about where we wanted to head out. We came to the conclusion that we would head to some clubs…obviously. So, a bunch of our crew took off shortly after that while the rest stayed back for a while. I was in the group who decided to stay back. I would later regret this decision. The group we had come down to Mexico with was about 20 guys I believe. So after staying back at the hotel for a while the 2nd group decide to take off. We head out to the club and pull up in taxis. I want to make one quick point; this club is not in the normal spring break area, and it’s kind of off in a shady part of town. This isn’t like a Senor Frogs or something like that on the beach; it’s definitely in a suspect area. I was actually a little nervous the moment I got out of the cab. One other point, at this time in the night I’m pretty intoxicated, actually to be honest highly intoxicated. So as I’m walking up to the club I notice one of my buddies talking to a Mexican guy or younger kid. So as I’m walking up he calls my name and says, "Hey, I've been talking to this guy and everything is cool." I kept explaining to my buddy that I didn't know this guy, and he could take care of whatever he wanted to take care of. My buddy was very persistent and asked me to go walk with this guy for a purchase. Finally, after a few minutes I said, “Fine, give me the money and I'll take care of it.” Bad move. I must have told my buddy five times that if he’d been talking to him for 20 minutes then he should go with him. But it didn’t go down like that. I said, “Give me the cash, I'll go with him.” Wow, would I regret this decision in about 15 minutes.
The Jack Move
I took the money and walked in between two buildings with this guy, made a small transaction and headed back to the club. Meanwhile, my friends are in line at the club. And it’s the lame “let the same number of people in as walk out” type game they were running. So we were waiting in line and half our group got in with me being the first guy out. Not sure if this was pure luck, coincidence, or Satan himself, but it happened. So, I’m standing in line just hoping to get in when all of a sudden a guy grabs me by my shoulder and says, “POLICIA, POLICIA, come with me!” He drags me out of the line by my shoulder. At this point I’m about as scared as little Danny when Jack Nicholson is chasing him in “The Shining”… seriously. And the reason is that I have something in my wallet I definitely shouldn't have. One more thing, my buddies I got it for, well they were already in the club, perfect. So then I get dragged out of the line by this guy and I try to throw my wallet to a buddy in line just so nothing is on me. That was wishful thinking because my buddy probably thought, “I don't want that noise!” My buddy immediately throws the wallet back at me. So, the police have it and there grabbing me asking me where “it” was and telling me that I would go to Mexican jail. Remember I said I was scared? Yeah, just scared enough to urinate in my pants on the street, no kidding. Now, I’m sure a few of you are reading this laughing…I promise some of you would have bet warm and wet as well. Foreign jail can have a funny effect, don’t try it. Then I get put in the back of this car. I’m in the middle of two undercover guys dressed in street clothes sitting next to me going through my wallet. They kept calling me amigo and telling me how screwed I was and that I was going to Mexican jail. I'm pleading my case at this point because they haven't found anything. Then they take me further into the ghetto and I have no idea where I am. I’m pretty far away from my hotel and the club, so I’m thinking to myself that my buddies were never going to find me. We finally stop and they take me into this jail. Well not in the jail yet but into a room that’s about 8 by 8. There are 4 guys in there now, one with a video camera I’m sure they stole from another “spring breaker” and he's video taping me. They proceed to start clearing out my wallet. Took all my money which I believe was about 200 and some odd bucks. They took my earrings, my watch, everything. Then they wanted my Jordan’s but I refused. No self respecting American is going to give his Jordan’s to some foreign racketeers. Yeah I had pee running down my leg, but nobody is getting my Jordan’s and that's the truth. Meanwhile the other 3 guys are taking turns grabbing me by my neck and throwing me against the wall telling me if my friends don't come with more money in 1/2 hr I’m going to Mexican PRISON. Not jail…PRISON. They made this perfectly clear because I remember the guy about 2 inches from my face with his hands around my neck telling me this. At this point they still had not found anything, but that changed about 2 minutes later.
The Clink
The Clink
I continue taking a little more abuse from these guys when the guy grabs me and leads me out. I had earlier promised this guy I could get him all types of money. He seemed interested, so I thought I might get lucky. I was like, “Heck Yes!! I’m out of here.” Boy, was I ever wrong. As I walk out the door and take one step, a guy in a full blue uniform who is walking into the jail grabs me by my neck and drags me back in. I was way passed "peeing my pants" scared at this point. Remember these other guys are in street clothes, this guy, is in like a uniform looking like “Ponch” in “Chips”. He grabbed me, took me back in by my neck, pushed me against the wall and yelled, and I quote, "If your friends don't find you in a half hour and have more money, I take you to Mexican Prison myself.” At this point, I felt like giving up. Then they took me to the jail. I began thinking that I was about to get the crap beaten out of me. I’m not the biggest guy around, only 5'11 and about 175 at the time. They threw me in this giant cell, and I had no shirt on because it was severely torn, so I took it off. I look around and happen to be one of only two white guys in the whole place, and I have no shirt on…beautiful. The other white guy in there was about 6"4 and jacked, big guy, so I went right up next to him and I was freaking out, basically on the verge of a complete breakdown. I asked the guy what he was in jail for, and he told me that he got caught doing a naughty dance on the beach with a girl. He was waiting for his buddies to come with a hundred bucks to bail him out. Then he asked me what I was in there for, and I broke the story down for him. He immediately told me that I had to get out. At, that point I had been there for about 15 minutes and I knew my time was running out. Meanwhile there were quite a few Mexicans talking about me and pointing at me but all I could think about was how I would get out of there. Then the plan is hatched. My new found best friend says, “I'll tell you what, see those beds over there? Across from them there's a bathroom. If you jump on the toilet, there’s a window with some bars across it and one is missing. You’re a pretty small guy, you can probably crawl through.” I figured it was the only shot I had because I didn't think my buddies were finding that place. A cop happened to walk in the cell and I asked him if I could go sleep on the beds. He said yes. I walked down there and lay on the bed with my hand over my face looking at him for a bit. After a couple minutes, he left, and I knew that this was the moment of truth.
Jail Break
I got up, ran in the bathroom, and got up on the toilet. It’s not just bars, there was glass behind the bars. At this point, all that was on my mind was not going to Mexican prison. I punched out the first window and it breaks inwards somehow and proceeds to shatter all over the floor. Obviously this is loud. And, I thought that if the cop was in there he definitely heard it. So, I ran back over to my “bff” and asked if he heard it. He said, “Yes, but get the hell out of here!!” I ran back in there, got up on the toilet and broke the two other windows and slide through. I was out!! Well, that happiness lasted for about .2 seconds, basically until I looked up. I looked up, and saw that the jail was surrounded by a 10 foot brick wall. I mean, why wouldn’t there be a gigantic wall?? It is a jail; after all, security tends to be decent. Good thing I'm athletic, and had a little adrenaline…okay a ton of adrenaline. Plus, let’s not forget, I still had my Jordan’s. I swear I jumped that wall like it was about 5 feet tall; I was over in no time. In the Meantime, the police officer came back into the jail cell to get me because 6 of my best friends had found the jail. Four guys go into the jail from one taxi and 2 are outside waiting in another taxi. The police officer went back to the cell to get me and I was gone. Long gone! He went back out to my four friends and said, “Your friend has escaped.” Then the cop told my friends that they needed to stay there until they found me. My buddies said “no no no”, and the cop said, “yeah, yeah, yeah”! By this time, another taxi was outside with 2 other friends waiting in it. According to them, they see a guy come flying over this 10 foot wall and they literally thought it was me. They were calling my name and obviously I had no idea, I can't hear anything, and I was just getting the heck out of dodge ASAP. It never really crossed my mind that I could be shot in the back at any minute. All I thought about was NOT going to Mexican prison. Never mind I may go for longer if I got caught, I was out of there. Meanwhile, my other friends give up their watches and donate about $400 to the Mexican Cartel before they are let go. I just kept on “Forrest Gump” running my rear end out of there. I had no money, no shirt, it’s about 4 am, and I’m in not a very nice part of town. I see two girls sitting outside of some place smoking. I was panicking and these girls knew it. I told them I just escaped from jail and I had no money, and then I asked them to call me a cab and pay for it…pretty sweet pick up line huh?? Yeah, I thought so too, but I guess the strong scent of urine was a deal breaker, who knew?? I could tell they knew I was scared and had to get out of there, so they hooked your boy up. As I was waiting for this cab my friends see me and are they start calling my name and telling me to get in their cab. I ran down there and get in the first cab. We barely made it through a red light and clearly luck had began to turn in my favor because taxis started getting searched by the cops looking for me, including the cab my other friends were in. LUCKY! All I have to say is; I will always remember and be thankful for the 6 guys who came to bail me out. You know who you are, if any of you ever need anything in life, you know who to call. Unreal, I need a beer; I’m all worked up again.
Epilogue
Hey Valley it's me again....I mean how gnarly is that?!?! I asked a couple of the "friends" that were there that night for some comments and one of them was the buddy who Mr. Blank tried to give his wallet too. He is quoted as saying, "He handed me his wallet which i was like wtf." he also reminisced on what it was like when Mr. Blank got surrounded and this is rich, "As soon as he got back to our posse he was surrounded by Mexican Federales. Ak47's everywhere." I wish you guys could see me laughing typing this right now. Wow. Another buddy, who was there, summed it all up pretty well saying, "Pretty rich stuff huh?? I remember it like it was yesterday." Oh the college years...............................
See you soon with an update on our Eagan City League Championship game 3/18, among other things. And finally, I'll leave you with some fitting lyrics...sorta ;)
"All we have to do now, is take these lies, and make them true somehow. All we have to see, is that I don't belong to you (Mexican prison) and you don't belong to me Yeah Yeah. Freedom!! Freedom!! Freedom!!"
Out like George Michael....feel me.
McQuillan
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Words of Wisdom...duh.
BLAU!!!! that's the sound of the KValley Report meter hitting the big 300 baby!!!!! Nice work Valley, worldwide up in here, what! Alright, I just wanted to give a quick shot out to our Eagan City League team, as we advanced into the championship game for next Wednesday. A little "March Madness" of our own, thank you very much. We hit a couple big shots, and played some timely D against a much bigger and longer team. Big win...big win. In fact, it was so big, it kind of reminded me of this. Ooooo, does that get you going a little bit? Excited for championship week and the NCAA tourney??? yeah meeeeeeee too! I'm going to make sure to fill the Valley in on my Final Four picks soon. And don't forget about the 1st annual KValley Report Draft Pick'em. And on the NFL note, I'm going to discuss a couple things right now that have been on my mind lately.
Dealing with people
This is literally what needs to happen for us all to survive. I mean until Judgment day of course, then we'll have to deal with that whole Skynet thing, but I digress. My boss, the senior partner at a law firm, literally told me "F you" yesterday. Except he actually said the word, and he said it about 20 other times too. And, honest to God, it was because I missed a day of work because my car broke down. Needless to say, that place is a joke, and it's because of the ability to deal with people...clearly. I don't pretend that I'm the easiest person to deal with all the time, but at the very least I act professionally and treat people with respect. I don't think that's too hard to ask, but I think people's ideas of respect clash.
Take for instance the Denver Broncos and Jay Cutler. Maybe even more specifically, Josh McDaniels (head coach of the Denver Broncos) and Jay Cutler (quarterback for the Denver Broncos). This is such a terrible job of dealing with people that it may cost the Broncos a rising superstar in the NFL, and it will and has cost Cutler some "street cred" for acting a little childish. I can tell you right now that I'm pointing fingers at both sides. First, Jay, you overreacted to a guy coming in and wanting his guy to play QB. That's not that hard to understand, is it? On top of that, this other QB went 11-5 in a far tougher division than Cutler did and is familiar with what McDaniels is going to do in Denver. And even further, Cutler has a losing record in the NFL and has yet to make the playoffs. This is a business and trades happen and Jay needed to deal with this better, even if it did hurt his feelings, which I understand. Secondly, Denver, why are you continuing to lie or hide behind what you actually did?? Tell the man what you were trying to do, and man up. It's not that difficult a concept to understand (Those who are in trouble for lying to the feds about steroid use, take note). When it's all said and done, Cutler is a stud and obviously Denver doesn't want to lose him. But that's what they're doing by not being honest, especially because Jay is a bit sensitive about the issue, and they should have known that by now. It's called dealing with people, figure it out and you'll be a lot better off. I'm trying to figure out new things every day and I think I'm above average at dealing with people. At least enough to see that this situation is ridiculous. It never should have happened, and each side's inability to right the ship could end up costing them. Tisk tisk.
T.O. Follow Up
So, I last spoke about what a disaster this guy has to be for a team like Dallas to let him go like that. And as soon as I said that the complete opposite side of the coin lands facing up. Terrell Owens to Buffalo. Well, I will keep this short because there's not much to it. Buffalo plays some games in Toronto...yeah. In case you're not from around here and ended up reading my blog, Buffalo isn't the most profitable sports market in the world. TO will sell seats, and by giving him a one year deal, they are basically saying, "Hopefully he helps us get to the playoffs before ruining our team, and we think that by only giving him a 1 year deal, that is possible." And I agree whole heartedly. It's a perfect move. They guarantee TO $4 million, and will sell more tickets, and probably win more games because whether you like him or not, TO is still an elite receiver in the NFL. If he works out for them maybe they enter the sweepstakes next year, or maybe nobody wants him and he has to sign again? Either way Ralph Wilson knows the economy is in rough seas and he's buying himself another year. Because with TO, they will get a lot more attention, which means more $$$. Well done Buffalo, well done. TO, you're in Buffalo, that's what it's come to for you buddy, grab a hold of yourself.
Misc.
I'm going to Chicago this weekend for the greatest holiday of the year (St. Patty's day Saturday). I love the crap out out of St. Patty's day. I am approx 1/4 Irish, I get every last drop of shamrock out of that 1/4, and much of my history proves that. Obviously my name helps to prove it too, but I take that piece of irish heritage as seriously as it needs to be taken, and so should you...if you're irish. I hope to have some fun things to say about my weekend, and if anyone has a super ill St. Patty's day story, please send it to kvalleyreport@gmail.com. I would love to read them and even post some of the best.
Alright, coming very soon maybe within a day, we have a story so amazing you couldn't make it up. One of my buddies, who you'll get a fabulously scary, funny, and awesome glimpse of, is being so kind to grace us with the "Great Escape". I can't wait, and neither can you.
Without further ado, lets get to my favorite part of what I do here on the KValley Report. Great song lyrics...or just great lyrics. The one thing about music I love so much, is how different songs and genres hit me at different moods and just seem to match where I am emotionally. I doubt I'm alone there. I'm usually a hip hop guy and I love great hip hop music above all, but tonight I got something else that's just working for me.
"And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be...I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me, there will be no sorrow let it be...let it be, let it be" Aww snap, play the darn video...............................
Out like Momma said to knock you...
McQuillan
Dealing with people
This is literally what needs to happen for us all to survive. I mean until Judgment day of course, then we'll have to deal with that whole Skynet thing, but I digress. My boss, the senior partner at a law firm, literally told me "F you" yesterday. Except he actually said the word, and he said it about 20 other times too. And, honest to God, it was because I missed a day of work because my car broke down. Needless to say, that place is a joke, and it's because of the ability to deal with people...clearly. I don't pretend that I'm the easiest person to deal with all the time, but at the very least I act professionally and treat people with respect. I don't think that's too hard to ask, but I think people's ideas of respect clash.
Take for instance the Denver Broncos and Jay Cutler. Maybe even more specifically, Josh McDaniels (head coach of the Denver Broncos) and Jay Cutler (quarterback for the Denver Broncos). This is such a terrible job of dealing with people that it may cost the Broncos a rising superstar in the NFL, and it will and has cost Cutler some "street cred" for acting a little childish. I can tell you right now that I'm pointing fingers at both sides. First, Jay, you overreacted to a guy coming in and wanting his guy to play QB. That's not that hard to understand, is it? On top of that, this other QB went 11-5 in a far tougher division than Cutler did and is familiar with what McDaniels is going to do in Denver. And even further, Cutler has a losing record in the NFL and has yet to make the playoffs. This is a business and trades happen and Jay needed to deal with this better, even if it did hurt his feelings, which I understand. Secondly, Denver, why are you continuing to lie or hide behind what you actually did?? Tell the man what you were trying to do, and man up. It's not that difficult a concept to understand (Those who are in trouble for lying to the feds about steroid use, take note). When it's all said and done, Cutler is a stud and obviously Denver doesn't want to lose him. But that's what they're doing by not being honest, especially because Jay is a bit sensitive about the issue, and they should have known that by now. It's called dealing with people, figure it out and you'll be a lot better off. I'm trying to figure out new things every day and I think I'm above average at dealing with people. At least enough to see that this situation is ridiculous. It never should have happened, and each side's inability to right the ship could end up costing them. Tisk tisk.
T.O. Follow Up
So, I last spoke about what a disaster this guy has to be for a team like Dallas to let him go like that. And as soon as I said that the complete opposite side of the coin lands facing up. Terrell Owens to Buffalo. Well, I will keep this short because there's not much to it. Buffalo plays some games in Toronto...yeah. In case you're not from around here and ended up reading my blog, Buffalo isn't the most profitable sports market in the world. TO will sell seats, and by giving him a one year deal, they are basically saying, "Hopefully he helps us get to the playoffs before ruining our team, and we think that by only giving him a 1 year deal, that is possible." And I agree whole heartedly. It's a perfect move. They guarantee TO $4 million, and will sell more tickets, and probably win more games because whether you like him or not, TO is still an elite receiver in the NFL. If he works out for them maybe they enter the sweepstakes next year, or maybe nobody wants him and he has to sign again? Either way Ralph Wilson knows the economy is in rough seas and he's buying himself another year. Because with TO, they will get a lot more attention, which means more $$$. Well done Buffalo, well done. TO, you're in Buffalo, that's what it's come to for you buddy, grab a hold of yourself.
Misc.
I'm going to Chicago this weekend for the greatest holiday of the year (St. Patty's day Saturday). I love the crap out out of St. Patty's day. I am approx 1/4 Irish, I get every last drop of shamrock out of that 1/4, and much of my history proves that. Obviously my name helps to prove it too, but I take that piece of irish heritage as seriously as it needs to be taken, and so should you...if you're irish. I hope to have some fun things to say about my weekend, and if anyone has a super ill St. Patty's day story, please send it to kvalleyreport@gmail.com. I would love to read them and even post some of the best.
Alright, coming very soon maybe within a day, we have a story so amazing you couldn't make it up. One of my buddies, who you'll get a fabulously scary, funny, and awesome glimpse of, is being so kind to grace us with the "Great Escape". I can't wait, and neither can you.
Without further ado, lets get to my favorite part of what I do here on the KValley Report. Great song lyrics...or just great lyrics. The one thing about music I love so much, is how different songs and genres hit me at different moods and just seem to match where I am emotionally. I doubt I'm alone there. I'm usually a hip hop guy and I love great hip hop music above all, but tonight I got something else that's just working for me.
"And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be...I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me, there will be no sorrow let it be...let it be, let it be" Aww snap, play the darn video...............................
Out like Momma said to knock you...
McQuillan
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Creative Help Needed
Just a quick, "How's your father" here Valley. I would like to create a logo for the KValley Report. I will be coming up with some ideas, but I will be the first to admit that others out there are more artistically inclined than I. Please submit any ideas to me at kvalleyreport@gmail.com. I will decide on a logo in the next week or so, and would like some input.
Sweet logos will have NOTHING to do with the Green Bay Packers, Rod Blagojevich, Wisconsin Badgers, "Viva Viagra", Chicago Bears, Florida Gators, onions, San Antonio Spurs, Nickleback, Abercrombie & Fitch, Wrangler jeans, Noodle & Co., or standardized tests...A thank you.
Now, I have some chill out Sunday Sublime for your eyes...
"We took this trip to Garden Grove, smelling like lou dogg inside the van...oh yeah. This ain't no funky record party, $5 at the door. It gets so real sometimes, who wrote my rhyme? I've got the microwave, got the VCR, I've got the deuce-deuce in the trunk of my car...oh yeah. If you only knew all the love that I found, it's hard to keep my soul on the ground..."
Out like NC knocking Duke...OUT!
McQuillan
Sweet logos will have NOTHING to do with the Green Bay Packers, Rod Blagojevich, Wisconsin Badgers, "Viva Viagra", Chicago Bears, Florida Gators, onions, San Antonio Spurs, Nickleback, Abercrombie & Fitch, Wrangler jeans, Noodle & Co., or standardized tests...A thank you.
Now, I have some chill out Sunday Sublime for your eyes...
"We took this trip to Garden Grove, smelling like lou dogg inside the van...oh yeah. This ain't no funky record party, $5 at the door. It gets so real sometimes, who wrote my rhyme? I've got the microwave, got the VCR, I've got the deuce-deuce in the trunk of my car...oh yeah. If you only knew all the love that I found, it's hard to keep my soul on the ground..."
Out like NC knocking Duke...OUT!
McQuillan
Friday, March 6, 2009
News and Notes...
VALLLLEEYYYYYYY!!!!!! I'm yelling so I can get a hold of a few more readers. It's been a big few days for the KValley Report. Well over 50 people have visited the sight in the last 3 days...I know it's exciting and hard to fathom, but brace yourself because we have a lot of goodies coming to you tonight both in form of news and with a heads up of some things we're rolling out for the next couple months. Now, I'll let you know what I've been marinating on the last couple days.
Crookeds with the straights.
So, Thursday I got to work and began walking from my car to the front door and hit a patch of ice that was hiding under a big dirty puddle. I went booty over tea kettle smashed my left hip and left elbow while my brown bag lunch (yes i take a brown bag lunch to work, admit it, you're jealous) went approximately 15 feet in the air and hit the ground a good second after I had buried my white Polo track jacket under a filthy pile of parking lot. Luckily I am in amazing "bowflex" like shape so I was able to take the blow and bounce right up, obviously ;) Then, I had to go home, change, and take my clothes to the cleaners. Then I drove back to work all while not getting paid...thanks life.
THEN, I figured I needed something different at night to make up for the crummy morning, so after my workout I went up to Crystal, MN for food, wine, and catch phrase with a friend and some of her friends. You know a nice, chill Thursday night. Turns out my car decided to have a 2nd hose burst in as many weeks, overheat way too far away to drive it anywhere else, and I spend the night in Crystal listening to a roommate's girlfriend yell at us about how hot she is and how great she looks for 33 years old...yeah, pretty good except for your grill, doll. Really?? Anyway, I had AAA (best company ever, HUGE shot out to AAA) tow my car to the shop that has fixed my car the other 156 times it has broken. Seriously, having a car break down is about as cool as a hairy back mixed with crystal meth teeth. Whoa!! Got you there, didn't I?? Yikes!!
But, I'm healthy, I have a great family, great friends, and an ability to scream curse words that calm me down and make me feel better. Sometimes you just have to take the crookeds with the straights my friends.
T.O.
So, Terrell Owens has gotten the boot again. Not too many people are surprised, and what's crazy about that is that this guy is a lock to catch 10 TD's every year...and he's built out of liquid metal and 1000 thread carbon fiber...which is pretty sweet. It just boggles my mind that this guy can't just settle down, keep his mouth shut [in public], and let his play talk for him. The celebrating is great, i have no problem with that and I love it. But, how can you be so big a jag off that a team is willing to pay you $9 million to leave your employment in the middle of a terrible recession. We're talking legendary status of jerk"ness" here. I would like to make a plea at this point for the Vikings to take a look, but Sage Rosenfels is the QB and I know for a fact that with a little salt & hot sauce T.O. would eat Sage Rosenfels for a snack between all those pills he loves to take. It certainly is a saga, and unfortunate that this dweeb is getting paid all this money and he just keeps dropping C-4 in all these locker rooms. It certainly is sad, Terrell
Chris Brown & Rihanna
Chris. You were biting her, bro?? I mean I'm fine with the closed fist shots to the dome, she probably deserved those, but biting???? Good gracious. First let me say, I hope he goes to jail. Beyond that it is another mind boggler altogether. This guy has cameras on him 24/7, high profile life, big time sponsors, and a great career. Those last couple are gone now, and darn well should be. I mean, there's just no reason to hit your girlfriend EVER, but when you're a celebrity, you must have no clue about life, not a one clue. There was 100% chance you were going to get busted for this, and whether you are found guilty of anything by the courts or not, you ARE guilty. And, the public won't let you forget it that easily. Get a shrink, hug more, and grow up you freaking brat. And Rihanna, way to use your public position to advocate for domestic abuse (Big fart noise). Getting back together with the guy and sneaking away to secret locations with him a couple weeks after he beats you down, is a GREAT idea. Give me a break. Shame on you too Rihanna.
Upcoming events!
The NFL draft is coming up soon people and we're going to do something really fun for it. We're going to have a draft pick contest. Everyone will choose how they feel the top 15 picks will unfold, and submit their list to me @ kvalleyreport@gmail.com. The winner will get to submit a post to the blog on anything they would like (within reason) to share with the Valley. And the next time I see you, I'll buy you a shot or a candy bar or something.
Very shortly we've got one of the greatest true stories ever told coming for the Valley. "The Great Escape" will be coming soon.
We are going to have a special guest adding some flavor to the blog via video once a month. It will be cutting edge, hot, tantalizing, and great. Be sure to look for it...And, much...much more.
And Finally, I got some love going out to all the Valley...
"Cuz we belong together now.....Forever united here somehow....You got a piece of me, and honestly...MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOOOOUUUT YOU!!!!!!!"
Out like...yep you guessed it...T.O.
McQuillan
Crookeds with the straights.
So, Thursday I got to work and began walking from my car to the front door and hit a patch of ice that was hiding under a big dirty puddle. I went booty over tea kettle smashed my left hip and left elbow while my brown bag lunch (yes i take a brown bag lunch to work, admit it, you're jealous) went approximately 15 feet in the air and hit the ground a good second after I had buried my white Polo track jacket under a filthy pile of parking lot. Luckily I am in amazing "bowflex" like shape so I was able to take the blow and bounce right up, obviously ;) Then, I had to go home, change, and take my clothes to the cleaners. Then I drove back to work all while not getting paid...thanks life.
THEN, I figured I needed something different at night to make up for the crummy morning, so after my workout I went up to Crystal, MN for food, wine, and catch phrase with a friend and some of her friends. You know a nice, chill Thursday night. Turns out my car decided to have a 2nd hose burst in as many weeks, overheat way too far away to drive it anywhere else, and I spend the night in Crystal listening to a roommate's girlfriend yell at us about how hot she is and how great she looks for 33 years old...yeah, pretty good except for your grill, doll. Really?? Anyway, I had AAA (best company ever, HUGE shot out to AAA) tow my car to the shop that has fixed my car the other 156 times it has broken. Seriously, having a car break down is about as cool as a hairy back mixed with crystal meth teeth. Whoa!! Got you there, didn't I?? Yikes!!
But, I'm healthy, I have a great family, great friends, and an ability to scream curse words that calm me down and make me feel better. Sometimes you just have to take the crookeds with the straights my friends.
T.O.
So, Terrell Owens has gotten the boot again. Not too many people are surprised, and what's crazy about that is that this guy is a lock to catch 10 TD's every year...and he's built out of liquid metal and 1000 thread carbon fiber...which is pretty sweet. It just boggles my mind that this guy can't just settle down, keep his mouth shut [in public], and let his play talk for him. The celebrating is great, i have no problem with that and I love it. But, how can you be so big a jag off that a team is willing to pay you $9 million to leave your employment in the middle of a terrible recession. We're talking legendary status of jerk"ness" here. I would like to make a plea at this point for the Vikings to take a look, but Sage Rosenfels is the QB and I know for a fact that with a little salt & hot sauce T.O. would eat Sage Rosenfels for a snack between all those pills he loves to take. It certainly is a saga, and unfortunate that this dweeb is getting paid all this money and he just keeps dropping C-4 in all these locker rooms. It certainly is sad, Terrell
Chris Brown & Rihanna
Chris. You were biting her, bro?? I mean I'm fine with the closed fist shots to the dome, she probably deserved those, but biting???? Good gracious. First let me say, I hope he goes to jail. Beyond that it is another mind boggler altogether. This guy has cameras on him 24/7, high profile life, big time sponsors, and a great career. Those last couple are gone now, and darn well should be. I mean, there's just no reason to hit your girlfriend EVER, but when you're a celebrity, you must have no clue about life, not a one clue. There was 100% chance you were going to get busted for this, and whether you are found guilty of anything by the courts or not, you ARE guilty. And, the public won't let you forget it that easily. Get a shrink, hug more, and grow up you freaking brat. And Rihanna, way to use your public position to advocate for domestic abuse (Big fart noise). Getting back together with the guy and sneaking away to secret locations with him a couple weeks after he beats you down, is a GREAT idea. Give me a break. Shame on you too Rihanna.
Upcoming events!
The NFL draft is coming up soon people and we're going to do something really fun for it. We're going to have a draft pick contest. Everyone will choose how they feel the top 15 picks will unfold, and submit their list to me @ kvalleyreport@gmail.com. The winner will get to submit a post to the blog on anything they would like (within reason) to share with the Valley. And the next time I see you, I'll buy you a shot or a candy bar or something.
Very shortly we've got one of the greatest true stories ever told coming for the Valley. "The Great Escape" will be coming soon.
We are going to have a special guest adding some flavor to the blog via video once a month. It will be cutting edge, hot, tantalizing, and great. Be sure to look for it...And, much...much more.
And Finally, I got some love going out to all the Valley...
"Cuz we belong together now.....Forever united here somehow....You got a piece of me, and honestly...MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOOOOUUUT YOU!!!!!!!"
Out like...yep you guessed it...T.O.
McQuillan
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Bonus Post!!!
We got a bonus "Shot out" to the Knopp Valley Eagan City League hoops squad for bringing home the W tonight in the first round of the playoffs. Buck Buck!! And as a gift to all the Valley on behalf of our W, we have a tribute that is most exceptional. Please remember I didn't say best, greatest, or most fantastic.....I said most "exceptional". You won't be disappointed. Ladies and gentlemen, please stand and face our great nation's flag..............
I'm laughing out loud too.......good night valley.
Out like "Rockets red glare"
McQuillan
I'm laughing out loud too.......good night valley.
Out like "Rockets red glare"
McQuillan
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Fasion Facts
What's up Valley?!?! First, I'm sorry it's been a about a week since I got at you, but I was really hungover on Sunday and I planned on doing it then, but it didn't happen, and then yesterday was Monday and that means 24 and Heroes...but don't worry, I'm back! Alright Valley, we're going to mix it up a bit tonight. It has come to my attention that a few women have been so kind to read the blog. I received a little attitude (shocker right) about how reading all about sports isn't that cool. I clearly explained to them that they were straight bonkers, and then I told them I got a little something for them. So we are going to do a little post on fashion tonight. And on the menu tonight is how NOT to look hot. Now, I'm no Michael Koors and this isn't going to be a "queer eye for the whatever". I'm straight as an arrow, I love women, and I love it when they look right. I also appreciate it when guys look right. I don't know, I just appreciate fashion a little more than the average guy. And, I think I'm pretty darn good at it for a small town jock. If you don't believe me, ask any of my ex-girlfriends or girls who know me, how many articles of clothing they have owned that I helped pick out or outfits I helped put together...true story. Granted, I have had my mistakes in the past, and worn some pretty outrageous things, but I like to stretch the boundaries a little bit and won't apologize for it. So, with all of that in mind lets talk about a few of The KValley Report's no-no's.
Do you know the "Muffin top"...???
So, it recently came to my attention that there was a name for this atrocity. Prior to my buddy JB informing me of this perfect definition, I just knew it as disgusting, stupid, and trash bag. Obviously, that was a gross picture, but there are all levels of this non-sense going on. Ladies, having a little love-handle is not a big deal, that happens. But if it does happen, you don't throw on some low cut jeans, and a crop top. Ladies, many of us like some meat on our women's bones and if a little love handle exists, that's okay. But what's not okay is pretending that you can get into the same clothes you wore that fall before your freshman year in college. Yes, you remember, those same clothes that haven't fit since discovering the soft serve ice-cream was right next to the cookies in the cafeteria. Let me say this with as much clarity as possible: THIS
is unacceptable, end of story. get some clothes that fit right, make yourself look presentable and things will be just fine for you finding men and friends. And before I move on, gentlemen, don't think you are free and clear of this problem too. Now, it's not usually as egregious granted, but the man "muffin top" is out there and needs to be dealt with. With men a lot of times the muffin is so big it's pouring out the front and you need to understand what your working with and put in place a strategy to avoid IT. I only have one more thing to say about this. STOP IT!!!!!
Geeks come out at night...
It's important that people don't twist what I'm going to say. I have nothing against women in tennis shoes or sneakers whatsoever. I love an athletic woman, I know tennis shoes are more comfy than most other shoes, and I'm in no way saying they should not be worn. BUT, what I am saying is if you are out for the night, you better not have any sneaks on. First of all, the concept of women in jeans and tennis shoes doesn't usually work in general (now, there are certain tennis shoes that can work with jeans, but as a general rule, avoid this possible no-no), but it definitely doesn't work if you're out for the night. The same goes for shorts and sneakers. If you're not working out, stay clear of this combo. Listen, I empathize with you on this because I can't imagine that heels are comfortable, but they must be worn. Ballet shoes are cool too, but NO tennis shoes after dark. It's just not hot. A nice pair of shoes on a girl can definitely make me say "dang". Also, women will notice and say "great shoes". I promise you that unless you're at a "Reebok Classics" party, nobody will say that or think that about your tennis shoes on the rooftop of Stellas or on the dance floor at Martini Park. I think most women will agree with me on this, so I'm not so worried that I'll get stomped by some "Air Force 1's" at the bar. It is just a large pet peeve of mine because I've come across some women who just had no idea that this was a fashion fact....and it is. I apologize I couldn't find any pictures, and actually I'm happy I couldn't. Seriously, just knock it off if you're an offender.
Don't you dare tuck that in!!
This one is for the gentlemen. I know that a lot of time older guys do this and that part is probably a generational thing. But there is FAR too much of this going on overall. Nothing should be tucked into jeans. and if the bottom of your jeans are too narrow that they looked like they're tucked into your shoes, you just hit double trouble. First, shirts should not be tucked into your jeans. Obviously, the front tuck has become acceptable and that's just a bit of flair that began when belt buckles got popular. That's fine. I'm talking about the full shirt tuck into the jeans when you're hanging out. It's called "hanging out" for several reasons and one of them is to leave the shirt out of your jeans!! You may see some different opinions on this depending on the jeans, shirts, age, etc....but in general you don't want to end up looking like old boy. Second, if your pants aren't wide enough at the bottom to at least cover the tops of your shoes, you're wearing tapered jeans, and it's not hot. Many a jokes are out there about tapered pants, but you'd be surprised at how many people still wear the snot out of them. Now, Tony Squawk is sporting a bunch of things that we could discuss with a sharp tongue, but notice the tapered jeans...not hot. He's not going to be getting a date today (I admit, for a NUMBER of reasons, but I couldn't resist).
Hope I could raise the awareness on some highly sensitive issues tonight. If not, I hope you laughed at least once. And now, the time has come for some words from the wise...
"...Fashion, turn to the left, Fashion, turn to the right, Fashion. We are the goon squad and we're coming to town, beep beep...beep beep." David Bowie...David freaking Bowie!!!
Out like Zubazz
McQuillan
Do you know the "Muffin top"...???
So, it recently came to my attention that there was a name for this atrocity. Prior to my buddy JB informing me of this perfect definition, I just knew it as disgusting, stupid, and trash bag. Obviously, that was a gross picture, but there are all levels of this non-sense going on. Ladies, having a little love-handle is not a big deal, that happens. But if it does happen, you don't throw on some low cut jeans, and a crop top. Ladies, many of us like some meat on our women's bones and if a little love handle exists, that's okay. But what's not okay is pretending that you can get into the same clothes you wore that fall before your freshman year in college. Yes, you remember, those same clothes that haven't fit since discovering the soft serve ice-cream was right next to the cookies in the cafeteria. Let me say this with as much clarity as possible: THIS
is unacceptable, end of story. get some clothes that fit right, make yourself look presentable and things will be just fine for you finding men and friends. And before I move on, gentlemen, don't think you are free and clear of this problem too. Now, it's not usually as egregious granted, but the man "muffin top" is out there and needs to be dealt with. With men a lot of times the muffin is so big it's pouring out the front and you need to understand what your working with and put in place a strategy to avoid IT. I only have one more thing to say about this. STOP IT!!!!!
Geeks come out at night...
It's important that people don't twist what I'm going to say. I have nothing against women in tennis shoes or sneakers whatsoever. I love an athletic woman, I know tennis shoes are more comfy than most other shoes, and I'm in no way saying they should not be worn. BUT, what I am saying is if you are out for the night, you better not have any sneaks on. First of all, the concept of women in jeans and tennis shoes doesn't usually work in general (now, there are certain tennis shoes that can work with jeans, but as a general rule, avoid this possible no-no), but it definitely doesn't work if you're out for the night. The same goes for shorts and sneakers. If you're not working out, stay clear of this combo. Listen, I empathize with you on this because I can't imagine that heels are comfortable, but they must be worn. Ballet shoes are cool too, but NO tennis shoes after dark. It's just not hot. A nice pair of shoes on a girl can definitely make me say "dang". Also, women will notice and say "great shoes". I promise you that unless you're at a "Reebok Classics" party, nobody will say that or think that about your tennis shoes on the rooftop of Stellas or on the dance floor at Martini Park. I think most women will agree with me on this, so I'm not so worried that I'll get stomped by some "Air Force 1's" at the bar. It is just a large pet peeve of mine because I've come across some women who just had no idea that this was a fashion fact....and it is. I apologize I couldn't find any pictures, and actually I'm happy I couldn't. Seriously, just knock it off if you're an offender.
Don't you dare tuck that in!!
This one is for the gentlemen. I know that a lot of time older guys do this and that part is probably a generational thing. But there is FAR too much of this going on overall. Nothing should be tucked into jeans. and if the bottom of your jeans are too narrow that they looked like they're tucked into your shoes, you just hit double trouble. First, shirts should not be tucked into your jeans. Obviously, the front tuck has become acceptable and that's just a bit of flair that began when belt buckles got popular. That's fine. I'm talking about the full shirt tuck into the jeans when you're hanging out. It's called "hanging out" for several reasons and one of them is to leave the shirt out of your jeans!! You may see some different opinions on this depending on the jeans, shirts, age, etc....but in general you don't want to end up looking like old boy. Second, if your pants aren't wide enough at the bottom to at least cover the tops of your shoes, you're wearing tapered jeans, and it's not hot. Many a jokes are out there about tapered pants, but you'd be surprised at how many people still wear the snot out of them. Now, Tony Squawk is sporting a bunch of things that we could discuss with a sharp tongue, but notice the tapered jeans...not hot. He's not going to be getting a date today (I admit, for a NUMBER of reasons, but I couldn't resist).
Hope I could raise the awareness on some highly sensitive issues tonight. If not, I hope you laughed at least once. And now, the time has come for some words from the wise...
"...Fashion, turn to the left, Fashion, turn to the right, Fashion. We are the goon squad and we're coming to town, beep beep...beep beep." David Bowie...David freaking Bowie!!!
Out like Zubazz
McQuillan
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