Guten tag Valley!!!! That's German for "good day" for you inner city educated stiffs. It's Thursday morning, and it's going to be in the 80's here in Minneapolis today, let me give a big shot out to Mother Nature for that. Also, I stumbled across some funny news over the past week. It turns out someone from my previous employer goes blog surfing and found the KValley Report. Of course he noticed the information I leaked about that establishment's happenings, and from what I hear, some were not too thrilled. I won't apologize for reporting the truth but I can say that we LOVE the attention to the blog and keep the hits coming to the site!!! Now, get off the Internet and pick up some phone calls, people need to file some bankruptcies!! Also, on a completely unrelated topic, I worked out in a college weight room yesterday and I COMPLETELY forgot how hot college chicks are, big shot out. Those of you out of college, don't worry I think you're hot too :) I'm going to give some thoughts about a few current events in the sports world that I found rather fascinating...
Percy Harvin
Many of you may know this name, some may not. He is a football player who is about to get drafted by an NFL franchise this Saturday. He had a great career at Florida, even though we hate the Gators here at the KValley Report...remember that...and he is an electrifying athlete. I read today that he tested positive for marijuana when tested at the NFL combine in February. Alright, now I'm going to go off. You have got to be one of two things for this to have happen. First option is you are a complete moron. Second choice is you have a drug problem. And let be be one of the first few to tell you this, Percy, "The NFL teams you wish to pay you, aren't excited about either one of those options!!!!" This was a guy who was predicted to go in the top 15 picks in the draft and by doing so would have signed himself a contract that would have included 15 million dollars...guaranteed (approx). Instead, by dropping to the late part of the round he will likely lose at least half and maybe more. Before you laugh and say, "Who cares, he's still a darn millionaire", put it into perspective. If you knew that you would have to take a cut in pay by 1/2 at your job if you failed a drug test, would you even come close to risking it? No, exactly, you'd have to be a moron. Unless of course you have a drug problem, which is just as alarming and will cost you the same.
My perspective on this comes from just being an average guy with a brain. Percy knew he was taking a drug test, and he knew exactly when he would be taking it. Yet, he still got stoned with his boys putting that all at risk. I'm sorry, with the most important day of your young life looming, there is just no excuse for this. I wouldn't so much as have a soda pop if I knew that much money was on the line. That opportunity should be looked at as a privilege and respected more. Come on man!!!!!
Jimmy Smith
From a young idiot football player, to an old retired idiot football player. Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy. Turns out this great old Wide Receiver for the Jaguars just can't get right. He had drug problems before his career started, he had injuries, and a horrible beginning to his career in the early 1990's. But then he rebounded, got a chance, and made the most of it. The man had over 12,000 yards receiving and ranks 15th all time in that category. Great career. Wednesday, he was pulled over for driving with illegally tinted windows in Jacksonville (in Florida those windows need to be darn near opaque to get pulled over for that). What happened next I have copied and pasted the exact wording from espn.com below:
The trooper reported that the inside of the car smelled like burnt marijuana. During a search, the trooper found crack cocaine, marijuana and a business card with powder cocaine residue in the car's center console.
Well that's quite the round-up of party favors for old Jimmy. Now, many of you know me and know that I'm no angel. But goodness gracious. You have gotta have some type of problems to be rolling around that dirty. I mean crack?? I heard it's an awesome high, but that's about as low as it gets on the drug totem pole, or close. That is a billboard on your forehead telling everyone you've lost it. This guy has been to rehab before and clearly needs more guidance. I'm not sure he's willing to comply but I hope the legal system doesn't just let him off because he was able to afford a good lawyer. This man is a danger to others and to himself. As a former Wide Receiver, I loved watching Jimmy play. He wasn't the biggest, or the fastest but he ran great routes and made plays. I was pretty bummed when I saw this and thought that if this was me, I'd be heading straight to the clinic to check myself in. Grab a hold of yourself Jimmy, it's embarrassing.
Jeremy Tyler
Most probably haven't heard this name, and neither had I until today. This kid is 17 years old and a junior in high school. Here's where it gets interesting; Jeremy is 6'11" and he's leaving HIGH SCHOOL early to play pro basketball in Europe. This kid will not be completing his high school diploma before he plays basketball for money. And you thought KG, Kobe, and Lebron were sweet. At first when I read this, I wondered, "What are this kids parents doing, hanging out with Percy Harvin and Jimmy Smith??" But then I thought some more and looked at it from the kid's perspective. And I'm hoping that this is mostly his perspective and not his handlers'. If I'm good enough to get paid,and I want to become the best basketball player I can before I'm eligible to be drafted in the NBA, where is the best place for me? Is it really in college where I'm required to go to class and study things that i don't care about and won't be studying after my 1 year is up and i can enter the draft? Is it staying and finishing High School with those players and that competition even before college? I may side with the kid on this one. I'm not saying I would do the same, because I love college sports, but from that side of things he's got a point. In Europe they do this all the time, and even here in sports like tennis or golf. It's just not the norm whatsoever, so it really struck me.
Honestly, could you imagine leaving you high school early to play pro sports...or better yet, on topic, could you imagine being 17 years old and going to freaking Europe to live on your own? I am an advocate for college for many things, academia is somewhere on the list, but the rest is about growing up and figuring out life. College is a great "middle earth" if you will in that process. I hope this kid has the soul to handle the money and lifestyle he will be taking on. and I hope it works out well and we see him in the NBA soon. They say he's probably going to Spain, and I hear the women in Spain are amazing...so he's got that going for him, which is nice.
leaving my 20's
This weekend will be the last weekend of my 20's. It has been a crazy ride, but I'm certainly looking forward to my 30's. After all, it is a fact that 30 is the new 20. Plus I have all my hair, it's not gray, and my boyish good looks are unmistakable....haha I'm looking forward to a great weekend seeing a lot of friends and family, and I wish the Valley a great weekend as well.
"I'm going to keep it going Big Tymer you heard me, hey, I got cake like everyday's my birthday. Wait, I don't think they heard me, I said I got cake like everyday's my BIRTHDAY!" ~Angel food please.......................
REMEMBER: get your top 15 picks for the NFL Draft Pick'em into the kvalleyreport@gmail.com before 3pm Friday April 24th. That is is you feel you'd have anything to say to the Valley!!!
Out like Saturday night!!!
McQuillan
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Analyzing season change...
Alright, here are the facts: I'm a little bit buzzed, I've dated some questionable women, and so have you (or men if you're gay or a girl). With that as the platform, lets move on. It's over 70 degrees here in Minneapolis, MN and it's beautiful. I've just left the grand establishment that is Stella's, where I took down 12 oysters, 1/2 pound of Louisiana shrimp, 2 Cajun chicken tacos, and 5 Blue Moon drafts. Along with that I happened to be seated next to internationally known "Polow Big". He's a hip-hop artist and he told me all about himself. He even pulled a recent Album out of his pocket, showed me the cover and read me the names of some songs (they were ill, believe me), but wouldn't give it to me. And Valley, I certainly tried to cop that CD!!! He told me a website where I could hear some of his stuff. I went and listened and it's garbage. I will give him credit for knowing who Spice 1, E-40, and Young Bleed were, but that's about it. He was nice, and pretty normal, but he asked to get his shrimp microwaved for 3 minutes and was shot down emphatically by the super-white bar tender. He hasn't quite reached Snoop Dogg status...apparently. Anyway, that's what it's like if you're rollin' with me on a Friday afternoon; great food, alcohol, and hip-hop superstars...I'm going to turn back on my Robin Thicke now...
Seeing all the lovelies out on this fine afternoon reminded me of a favorite pastime of mine. Let me share. When I was in college I ate at the cafeteria a lot. And in this cafeteria, many lovely young ladies found sustenance as well. Here in the north interesting things happen with this case study. While I continued to work out on a daily basis because I had no choice in college, many of these nice young ladies did not have to do so. But what they did do was treat themselves to the soft-serve ice cream station...in the cafeteria. An amazing thing happens over the course of a winter...fatness. And the true test is on days like today when the weather finally hits that point where is acceptable and warranted to pull out the tank tops, skirts, and sun dresses, etc. I remember seeing shorts that had no business being on, I remember seeing tank tops with the arm pit flab hanging out of the sides, and I remember seeing a lot of white skin...too much in fact. Guess what, I saw some of that today too. But I will give some props to the women of Uptown Minneapolis, they represented pretty well for the most part. I would suggest a bit more of the tanning booth, but I haven't hit that joint in a hot minute either, so I can't say much. Stay away from the ice cream, and keep hitting those crunches ladies.....so much love.
Man I love it when winter rides the heck out of town. Warmth is so great, and if you can think of some things that aren't sweet about warmth, then you're thinking too hard and not concentrating on the obvious luxuriousness of being warm and other warm things..........for example, how about when your just a little bit chilled and you're heading to the car that has been sitting in the sun all afternoon and you get in and it's toasty enough to warm you right up. Don't tell me you don't love that Valley...don't even start. Or how about when it's warm enough at the park, beach, street festival, or whatever for people to take their shirts off?? Obviously I think it's d-bag as all get out if a dude takes his shirt off on the street but otherwise, if he's good looking, I bet the ladies like it. And, I know I like it when ladies take their shirts off to reveal the bikini top on under their shirt....yeeeeahhh buddy!! don't tell me being warm isn't sweet. What about when you're a little chilled because the bedroom window is open and you get under the covers with your sweetie and do a little spooning as your eye lids set like the sun...? Well, now we're getting down right hot, so I'll back off. But I hope you get the point....cheers to warmth.
I gotta say that I also love it because the gym clears out when the weather gets nicer. A lot less of the morons in jeans and button down short sleeve linen shirts doing the bench press. Hopefully less of the foreigners who never bothered to find out how things work in the gyms here. For instance, putting the weights back on the racks when you're done using them, instead of laying them all down on the ground where people walk...idiots. Don't get me wrong, I welcome everyone from all lands to work out and make themselves healthier. Just be courteous enough to not act like a d-bag in the gym. And those jeans player?? Put on some shorts partner....But mostly, it's nice because when it gets nice outside people do things outside and it makes my workout way more efficient. I like to do things outside too, but the lifting part is an inside workout and the less population the better.
For all my city people, How much better is it eating outside on the sidewalk at particular establishments?? I'd like to take this time to tell you Chicago, how much I miss you. Chicago, don't think I left you because you were crazy and jealous, and acted ill towards me, it wasn't that, I promise. Things in life just changed so I had to roll with the punches. But Minneapolis has some places you would love too. That doesn't mean I don't miss you everyday, and especially days like today. Murphy's Bleachers, I see you and I envisioned being with you today during the Cubs game. Waterhouse, you know I miss you, one of my neighborhood's hide-outs. Cafe Ba-Ba-Reeba...the escargot is singing like angels to me in my dreams!!! Minneapolis, stand up!! Stella's Oyster orgy, the rooftop in the sun with the downtown view, Drink rooftop I see your fine booty, Sneaky Pete's patio with the fire place. NYC, you didn't think you'd get a shot out did you, but I'll give a shot to all of Little Italy with the "Godfather" theme music playing, the olive oil and bread, and I can't forget the wine...I know most everyplace has their examples and there is nothing like being able to eat outside, enjoy the weather and food all at the same time....Big shots to everyone making that possible.
Last but not least; EVERYBODY better get their mock NFL drafts for the first 15 picks into me for the contest, or I'll have to quit the blog for lack of participation. This will be fun, and I promise that you may not have much to say in general with your sorry butts, but with a platform, you'll find plenty more to talk about. Just like how I know Hooper would rave about how the Denver Nuggets are such a terrible organization, or how John Elway is the best QB of all time. And I'm sure I'd have to hear from several of my Wisconsin bred folk about some lame Badger/Packer talk. But hey, I'm all gravy about it all if you can lock down the first 15 picks in this year's NFL draft...you see the email on the side of the blog, get it done.
And for a special treat I have something that may be a bit premature, but along with the theme for the day, please watch the video below and just enjoy.....
"Just a little something to break the monotony..."
Out like freezing rain
McQuillan
Seeing all the lovelies out on this fine afternoon reminded me of a favorite pastime of mine. Let me share. When I was in college I ate at the cafeteria a lot. And in this cafeteria, many lovely young ladies found sustenance as well. Here in the north interesting things happen with this case study. While I continued to work out on a daily basis because I had no choice in college, many of these nice young ladies did not have to do so. But what they did do was treat themselves to the soft-serve ice cream station...in the cafeteria. An amazing thing happens over the course of a winter...fatness. And the true test is on days like today when the weather finally hits that point where is acceptable and warranted to pull out the tank tops, skirts, and sun dresses, etc. I remember seeing shorts that had no business being on, I remember seeing tank tops with the arm pit flab hanging out of the sides, and I remember seeing a lot of white skin...too much in fact. Guess what, I saw some of that today too. But I will give some props to the women of Uptown Minneapolis, they represented pretty well for the most part. I would suggest a bit more of the tanning booth, but I haven't hit that joint in a hot minute either, so I can't say much. Stay away from the ice cream, and keep hitting those crunches ladies.....so much love.
Man I love it when winter rides the heck out of town. Warmth is so great, and if you can think of some things that aren't sweet about warmth, then you're thinking too hard and not concentrating on the obvious luxuriousness of being warm and other warm things..........for example, how about when your just a little bit chilled and you're heading to the car that has been sitting in the sun all afternoon and you get in and it's toasty enough to warm you right up. Don't tell me you don't love that Valley...don't even start. Or how about when it's warm enough at the park, beach, street festival, or whatever for people to take their shirts off?? Obviously I think it's d-bag as all get out if a dude takes his shirt off on the street but otherwise, if he's good looking, I bet the ladies like it. And, I know I like it when ladies take their shirts off to reveal the bikini top on under their shirt....yeeeeahhh buddy!! don't tell me being warm isn't sweet. What about when you're a little chilled because the bedroom window is open and you get under the covers with your sweetie and do a little spooning as your eye lids set like the sun...? Well, now we're getting down right hot, so I'll back off. But I hope you get the point....cheers to warmth.
I gotta say that I also love it because the gym clears out when the weather gets nicer. A lot less of the morons in jeans and button down short sleeve linen shirts doing the bench press. Hopefully less of the foreigners who never bothered to find out how things work in the gyms here. For instance, putting the weights back on the racks when you're done using them, instead of laying them all down on the ground where people walk...idiots. Don't get me wrong, I welcome everyone from all lands to work out and make themselves healthier. Just be courteous enough to not act like a d-bag in the gym. And those jeans player?? Put on some shorts partner....But mostly, it's nice because when it gets nice outside people do things outside and it makes my workout way more efficient. I like to do things outside too, but the lifting part is an inside workout and the less population the better.
For all my city people, How much better is it eating outside on the sidewalk at particular establishments?? I'd like to take this time to tell you Chicago, how much I miss you. Chicago, don't think I left you because you were crazy and jealous, and acted ill towards me, it wasn't that, I promise. Things in life just changed so I had to roll with the punches. But Minneapolis has some places you would love too. That doesn't mean I don't miss you everyday, and especially days like today. Murphy's Bleachers, I see you and I envisioned being with you today during the Cubs game. Waterhouse, you know I miss you, one of my neighborhood's hide-outs. Cafe Ba-Ba-Reeba...the escargot is singing like angels to me in my dreams!!! Minneapolis, stand up!! Stella's Oyster orgy, the rooftop in the sun with the downtown view, Drink rooftop I see your fine booty, Sneaky Pete's patio with the fire place. NYC, you didn't think you'd get a shot out did you, but I'll give a shot to all of Little Italy with the "Godfather" theme music playing, the olive oil and bread, and I can't forget the wine...I know most everyplace has their examples and there is nothing like being able to eat outside, enjoy the weather and food all at the same time....Big shots to everyone making that possible.
Last but not least; EVERYBODY better get their mock NFL drafts for the first 15 picks into me for the contest, or I'll have to quit the blog for lack of participation. This will be fun, and I promise that you may not have much to say in general with your sorry butts, but with a platform, you'll find plenty more to talk about. Just like how I know Hooper would rave about how the Denver Nuggets are such a terrible organization, or how John Elway is the best QB of all time. And I'm sure I'd have to hear from several of my Wisconsin bred folk about some lame Badger/Packer talk. But hey, I'm all gravy about it all if you can lock down the first 15 picks in this year's NFL draft...you see the email on the side of the blog, get it done.
And for a special treat I have something that may be a bit premature, but along with the theme for the day, please watch the video below and just enjoy.....
"Just a little something to break the monotony..."
Out like freezing rain
McQuillan
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Hot Darn, It's a New Day!
I'm sure everyone reading this has instant messaged before, and if you haven't; pop that VHS tape out of your VCR, put down your walkman, and grab a hold of yourself it's 2009 buddy. One thing I have been thinking about the last couple days is something that's never talked about but I know you all have experienced it. Maybe I'm over thinking it, but it's the only time this type of real-time "double conversation" happens in all of communication that i can think of. You know when each of you are typing questions, and or, answering questions? But, both people are doing it, so you're each responding and typing on 2 different subjects or topics? Does that just boggle anyone else's mind? Picture a real conversation going that way, I mean picture actually talking to your homie and some junk like this is going on:
you: hey, what time is ur game tonight?
homie: how was ur date last night?
homie: i think it's @ 8, but let me double check on that.
you: it was pretty cool, she was hot and nice. She also had this sick hairdo that looked like Peggy Bundy. Her favorite color is green and she's a professional rodeo clown...way athletic.
you: cool, just let me know cuz i'm thinking i'll swing by the game
homie: damn bro, ur date sounds more like a nightmare than cool? how in the H-E-double hockey sticks did she get to be a rodeo clown?
homie: oh btw, the game is @ 8, yeah swing through
you: I don't know maybe she was a bit weird, it's just been a while since I closed the deal if you know what I mean........yeah man I'll be over later, peace.
Now, I know it all makes sense and you got all the pertinent info, but if I was in an actual conversation like that, I would probably think I accidentally took some acid with my frosted flakes. Two continuing parallel conversations, just isn't how I learned to deal with people and technology has now increased the productivity, by allowing for this sick multi-tasking. Super. Still, I find it odd and worth mentioning. Next time that happens, just give me a silent "shot out" and a chuckle, or maybe figure out a way to just cut one convo off, and finish the first before starting the second. Or shoot, see if you can ramp it up a bit and start a third while still keeping up on the first two??? Play with it, get back to me.....
We talking 'bout practice...
First off, it NEVER hurts to hear that beauty of a press conference....just a gem. And second, let me just say that I'm thrilled to be talking about practice. Last night was the first day in the rest of my life. St. Thomas University began spring football practice and I was on the field as an assistant. After 7 long years away from what I love, it was great to be back on the gridiron. There is a lot of learning currently so the coaches are currently coaching me, but "we talking 'bout practice!!" I even got called out in a "competitive drill" to "bear crawl" race against another coach from the defensive side of the ball. Yes, of course you're boy put on an athletic display of bear crawling brilliance and brought home the W for the offense...but it was all about getting back into the swing and it felt good, real good. Hat darn, it's a new day!!! And, for the record, I think practice is important, and as our head coach said last night. All the stuff that happens before you get to the top of the podium, the practices, meetings, successes, blunders....that's the good stuff, the journey is the good stuff. I'm on another on and looking forward to it. I still love that Iverson clip though....LOL!!
Speaking of...
A new day, it is supposed to be mid 60's here in lovely Minneapolis, and I just think that needs to be mentioned. I hope we are well on our way to some 70's very soon. Time for bbq's, some chilled white wine, a few Summer Ale's, and a golden tan....I can't wait, hot darn!!
The Devil and Me
So, to recap my trip to the "Devil's Playground from last weekend" things went pretty uneventfully until right about time the bar got let out. I'm not going to tell you what happened, but it wouldn't surprise many of you. Overall, it was good to see lots of friends and it was good to smash on some Rocco's Pizza!!! I also watched the full first season of Eastbound & Down from HBO, and if you don't know what that is, get acquainted, it rocks. That trip will undoubtedly be the last time I'm in Winona until I go back for this little thing call the "Tourney" in July and if you don't know about that, you better ax somebody.
And of course:
"Haters stay clear of him. Ya'll, stay and cheer for him. He got up out the game and overcame...let's hear it for him! Keep a new toy, so I wonder how could I not enjoy life I'm reliving my childhood....Hot Da(rn) it's a new day! Hot Da(rn), but them boys want that money man!" ~Clipse
Out like a Somali Pirate
McQuillan
you: hey, what time is ur game tonight?
homie: how was ur date last night?
homie: i think it's @ 8, but let me double check on that.
you: it was pretty cool, she was hot and nice. She also had this sick hairdo that looked like Peggy Bundy. Her favorite color is green and she's a professional rodeo clown...way athletic.
you: cool, just let me know cuz i'm thinking i'll swing by the game
homie: damn bro, ur date sounds more like a nightmare than cool? how in the H-E-double hockey sticks did she get to be a rodeo clown?
homie: oh btw, the game is @ 8, yeah swing through
you: I don't know maybe she was a bit weird, it's just been a while since I closed the deal if you know what I mean........yeah man I'll be over later, peace.
Now, I know it all makes sense and you got all the pertinent info, but if I was in an actual conversation like that, I would probably think I accidentally took some acid with my frosted flakes. Two continuing parallel conversations, just isn't how I learned to deal with people and technology has now increased the productivity, by allowing for this sick multi-tasking. Super. Still, I find it odd and worth mentioning. Next time that happens, just give me a silent "shot out" and a chuckle, or maybe figure out a way to just cut one convo off, and finish the first before starting the second. Or shoot, see if you can ramp it up a bit and start a third while still keeping up on the first two??? Play with it, get back to me.....
We talking 'bout practice...
First off, it NEVER hurts to hear that beauty of a press conference....just a gem. And second, let me just say that I'm thrilled to be talking about practice. Last night was the first day in the rest of my life. St. Thomas University began spring football practice and I was on the field as an assistant. After 7 long years away from what I love, it was great to be back on the gridiron. There is a lot of learning currently so the coaches are currently coaching me, but "we talking 'bout practice!!" I even got called out in a "competitive drill" to "bear crawl" race against another coach from the defensive side of the ball. Yes, of course you're boy put on an athletic display of bear crawling brilliance and brought home the W for the offense...but it was all about getting back into the swing and it felt good, real good. Hat darn, it's a new day!!! And, for the record, I think practice is important, and as our head coach said last night. All the stuff that happens before you get to the top of the podium, the practices, meetings, successes, blunders....that's the good stuff, the journey is the good stuff. I'm on another on and looking forward to it. I still love that Iverson clip though....LOL!!
Speaking of...
A new day, it is supposed to be mid 60's here in lovely Minneapolis, and I just think that needs to be mentioned. I hope we are well on our way to some 70's very soon. Time for bbq's, some chilled white wine, a few Summer Ale's, and a golden tan....I can't wait, hot darn!!
The Devil and Me
So, to recap my trip to the "Devil's Playground from last weekend" things went pretty uneventfully until right about time the bar got let out. I'm not going to tell you what happened, but it wouldn't surprise many of you. Overall, it was good to see lots of friends and it was good to smash on some Rocco's Pizza!!! I also watched the full first season of Eastbound & Down from HBO, and if you don't know what that is, get acquainted, it rocks. That trip will undoubtedly be the last time I'm in Winona until I go back for this little thing call the "Tourney" in July and if you don't know about that, you better ax somebody.
And of course:
"Haters stay clear of him. Ya'll, stay and cheer for him. He got up out the game and overcame...let's hear it for him! Keep a new toy, so I wonder how could I not enjoy life I'm reliving my childhood....Hot Da(rn) it's a new day! Hot Da(rn), but them boys want that money man!" ~Clipse
Out like a Somali Pirate
McQuillan
Friday, April 10, 2009
The Devils Playground...
Many of you are already laughing out loud. If not there is, most surely, a devilish grin stamped across your grill. And if you're completely confused, you're now probably smiling because you're wondering what in the Lord's Prayer (Good Friday reference) I'm talking about. Well, I'm talking about the the legend of Winona, Minnesota. This goes far beyond the legends of Princess Wenonah, Paul Giel, Slapshot, or Fastenal. This is about about a town and the supernatural power it has to get you so completely bomb-faced that you think it the right thing to drive home and across parks on your way. It's about stories like getting released from the hospital after getting your stomach pumped and heading to the bar. Try to comprehend, if you will, being so drunk that you feel the need to launch real glasses across the bar...for fun. This isn't the Double-Deuce I'm talking about and there's no Patrick Swayze in this story (unfortunately). Over the years, the phrase has been coined and acknowledged by many. It is the first thing that pops into my head when I know I'm going back to Winona a.k.a The Devils Playground.
Country Road...Take Me Home.
Tomorrow I am heading back to Winona. I am nervous yet optimistic that I won't have a hangover Sunday, so bad I can't walk to the car with both eyes open. I am going to surprise a good friend, so I hope he isn't going to read this. Those moments are usually filled with joy, borderline homosexual hugs/dances, and Irish Car Bombs. I'm hoping to avoid the last one on that list. For those of you who don't know that much about Winona, I'm shocked but thrilled you're reading this, and you should definitely visit if you're an alcoholic. But, it's a great college town, gorgeous in the summer and fall with the bluffs and natural scenery, and FILLED with bars. Lots of churches too, but plenty of places to get a bloody mary after mass, pardon the pun on Easter weekend...One time I went to a church service at a church within the city limits with a good friend of mine and his mother. The Priest came out so blasted that he forgot the "Good Book", forgot the Lord's Prayer, and had to go retrieve the book out of the...bar in the back of the church...I guess. It was very funny for me, not so funny for the adults in attendance. My point is, drinking is going to happen when you go to Winona. BUT, there are other pieces of heaven mixed in and around the Devil and his playground...
Rocco's Pizza
If you're not salivating already, you're mother brought you up wrong. This is arguably the best thin crust pizza on the planet. All due respect to Chicago and NYC, because I love both of you and your pizza a lot, and since i lived in Chicago for some years, i am well schooled on this subject. Rocco's is a beast in the world of pizza. Albeit a hidden beast since there are only 2 of them. (Obviously there are other Rocco's but not of this chain)One is about a 10 x 10 foot shack of loveliness stuck in the corner of the Athletic Club (another gem of The Devil's Playground), and the other is it's own establishment on the west side of town, basically in the middle of nowhere. And that place used to have Excite Bike the arcade version...which is one of the best arcade games in the history of earth. Okay, back to the Pizza. It is so good that burning your mouth is expected and not a factor. It's so good that if you drip sauce on your white shirt you don't care because of how good your soul feels after the bite. It's so gosh darn tasty that the last time I went to Winona, my friend and I thought we were going to get it for dinner with all our people but the plans changed and Dan and I were stark raving mad for about 45 minutes...on Christmas!!!! Another great thing about the legend of Rocco's is how it finds it's lovers all over. I used to live in Chicago, and a good buddy got me and a friend from Winona, Stadium Club seats for a White Sox game. We were treated like royalty and the General Manager of the Stadium Club came to chat with us...oh guess what...he's from Winona and his family owns Rocco's Pizza!!!!! Big shot out to Bill Barth and family! Of course the tap beers at Rocco's is like $2 or less, leading you to believe that you should then drink a lot more because...well...you just have all that left over money. Darn Devil!!!
Acoustic Cafe
About the only place in town you can't find a beer in, but there is no shortage of body piercings, dreadlocks, and really kick butt soups and sandwiches. It's hard to explain why this place is better than most, but it has to do with the way they warm the sandwiches right before they serve you. And, it also has to do with this pepper sauce they put on as well, it's just really darn tasty. A lot of "Earth Generals" wandering around this establishment and it helps to keep people sober and in line. This is a place the "Playground" has not yet tainted, and quite frankly, I'd like to keep it that way. Not sure if I'll make it here on my trip back this weekend, but if I can fit it in, I will. Long live Acoustic.
Gabby's
While Gabby's is a bar, and certainly a booster for the Devil and his playground, I have to say it's still a piece of heaven for me. I see everyone I need to when I go back to Winona, at Gabby's. Old friends everywhere both from my growing up days and from my college days. And, I love that. Can I get 2 Captain-Cokes for $2 there? Yes I can. Do the owners walk around and pass out free drink chips while I'm there, increasing the level of inebriation? Yes they do. Have I done some things in the bathroom I may not have done sober? Yes I have. But, forget all that, I heard a great saying on season 3 of "The Wire" yesterday, "Do you know what they call all of the stuff that happens between the moments you dream to have happen? Life." It's true, life isn't easy, and we often hope for a lot more than comes our way. But to me, life is about people. My life is about the people who have blessed it, whether it be once or several times. Gabby's is a place where a lot of people get together that I don't often see, and is always full of great moments. Granted, I don't always remember them, but the point is that they happen. Or, at least someone says they happen, even though they were crunk the night before too and may not remember either. But you just have to know that's only the Devil playing with your mind. If you think it happened, it did. And if it happened and you can't remember it, it doesn't count. Believe that.
Epilogue
In closing, I'd like to give honorable mentions to many places that are part of the jungle gym that is the Devil's playground: Bub's (Cajun chicken and the #1 rule!), RIP Fitzgeralds/Chuckers (could do a whole blog on that place alone), Betty Jo's, Godfathers Pizza buffet, the Pimp Barn, Poot's Sports Palace, Brown house, Schniepps, Peach Pit, West Sanborn St.........Stand up!
As it's only fitting...
I hear her voice in the mornin' hour she calls me. The radio reminds me of my home far away, and drivin' down the road I get a feelin' that I should have been home yesterday, yesterday... Country roads, take me home to the place I belong, Wi-nona, mountain momma take me home, country roads..."
Out like the Devil will be tomorrow night...
Mcquillan
-Anything I forgot about Winona you'd like to remind me about? let me know at kvalleyreport@gmail.com
Country Road...Take Me Home.
Tomorrow I am heading back to Winona. I am nervous yet optimistic that I won't have a hangover Sunday, so bad I can't walk to the car with both eyes open. I am going to surprise a good friend, so I hope he isn't going to read this. Those moments are usually filled with joy, borderline homosexual hugs/dances, and Irish Car Bombs. I'm hoping to avoid the last one on that list. For those of you who don't know that much about Winona, I'm shocked but thrilled you're reading this, and you should definitely visit if you're an alcoholic. But, it's a great college town, gorgeous in the summer and fall with the bluffs and natural scenery, and FILLED with bars. Lots of churches too, but plenty of places to get a bloody mary after mass, pardon the pun on Easter weekend...One time I went to a church service at a church within the city limits with a good friend of mine and his mother. The Priest came out so blasted that he forgot the "Good Book", forgot the Lord's Prayer, and had to go retrieve the book out of the...bar in the back of the church...I guess. It was very funny for me, not so funny for the adults in attendance. My point is, drinking is going to happen when you go to Winona. BUT, there are other pieces of heaven mixed in and around the Devil and his playground...
Rocco's Pizza
If you're not salivating already, you're mother brought you up wrong. This is arguably the best thin crust pizza on the planet. All due respect to Chicago and NYC, because I love both of you and your pizza a lot, and since i lived in Chicago for some years, i am well schooled on this subject. Rocco's is a beast in the world of pizza. Albeit a hidden beast since there are only 2 of them. (Obviously there are other Rocco's but not of this chain)One is about a 10 x 10 foot shack of loveliness stuck in the corner of the Athletic Club (another gem of The Devil's Playground), and the other is it's own establishment on the west side of town, basically in the middle of nowhere. And that place used to have Excite Bike the arcade version...which is one of the best arcade games in the history of earth. Okay, back to the Pizza. It is so good that burning your mouth is expected and not a factor. It's so good that if you drip sauce on your white shirt you don't care because of how good your soul feels after the bite. It's so gosh darn tasty that the last time I went to Winona, my friend and I thought we were going to get it for dinner with all our people but the plans changed and Dan and I were stark raving mad for about 45 minutes...on Christmas!!!! Another great thing about the legend of Rocco's is how it finds it's lovers all over. I used to live in Chicago, and a good buddy got me and a friend from Winona, Stadium Club seats for a White Sox game. We were treated like royalty and the General Manager of the Stadium Club came to chat with us...oh guess what...he's from Winona and his family owns Rocco's Pizza!!!!! Big shot out to Bill Barth and family! Of course the tap beers at Rocco's is like $2 or less, leading you to believe that you should then drink a lot more because...well...you just have all that left over money. Darn Devil!!!
Acoustic Cafe
About the only place in town you can't find a beer in, but there is no shortage of body piercings, dreadlocks, and really kick butt soups and sandwiches. It's hard to explain why this place is better than most, but it has to do with the way they warm the sandwiches right before they serve you. And, it also has to do with this pepper sauce they put on as well, it's just really darn tasty. A lot of "Earth Generals" wandering around this establishment and it helps to keep people sober and in line. This is a place the "Playground" has not yet tainted, and quite frankly, I'd like to keep it that way. Not sure if I'll make it here on my trip back this weekend, but if I can fit it in, I will. Long live Acoustic.
Gabby's
While Gabby's is a bar, and certainly a booster for the Devil and his playground, I have to say it's still a piece of heaven for me. I see everyone I need to when I go back to Winona, at Gabby's. Old friends everywhere both from my growing up days and from my college days. And, I love that. Can I get 2 Captain-Cokes for $2 there? Yes I can. Do the owners walk around and pass out free drink chips while I'm there, increasing the level of inebriation? Yes they do. Have I done some things in the bathroom I may not have done sober? Yes I have. But, forget all that, I heard a great saying on season 3 of "The Wire" yesterday, "Do you know what they call all of the stuff that happens between the moments you dream to have happen? Life." It's true, life isn't easy, and we often hope for a lot more than comes our way. But to me, life is about people. My life is about the people who have blessed it, whether it be once or several times. Gabby's is a place where a lot of people get together that I don't often see, and is always full of great moments. Granted, I don't always remember them, but the point is that they happen. Or, at least someone says they happen, even though they were crunk the night before too and may not remember either. But you just have to know that's only the Devil playing with your mind. If you think it happened, it did. And if it happened and you can't remember it, it doesn't count. Believe that.
Epilogue
In closing, I'd like to give honorable mentions to many places that are part of the jungle gym that is the Devil's playground: Bub's (Cajun chicken and the #1 rule!), RIP Fitzgeralds/Chuckers (could do a whole blog on that place alone), Betty Jo's, Godfathers Pizza buffet, the Pimp Barn, Poot's Sports Palace, Brown house, Schniepps, Peach Pit, West Sanborn St.........Stand up!
As it's only fitting...
I hear her voice in the mornin' hour she calls me. The radio reminds me of my home far away, and drivin' down the road I get a feelin' that I should have been home yesterday, yesterday... Country roads, take me home to the place I belong, Wi-nona, mountain momma take me home, country roads..."
Out like the Devil will be tomorrow night...
Mcquillan
-Anything I forgot about Winona you'd like to remind me about? let me know at kvalleyreport@gmail.com
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Box Of Chocolates....
Hola Valley!!! sorry it's been a week, that is an unacceptable amount of time between much needed information sharing. I've got a host of tidbits coming your way, some good, some bad, but all of it is the truest stuff I've ever wrote...I'll just dive into it, listen up.
Another Stat.
Well Valley, I became a statistic last week when I was laid off. One of those 10%, or whatever, of the unemployed Americans. Of course, I was the only person laid off from my firm and was told I was "too expensive" (I made less $17/hr) and we had a record month for bankruptcy sign-ups.....leave it to a lawyer to lie to someone's face huh?? Now, that place was hell to work at, honestly. I was miserable every day I went to work, I already talked about how vulgar my boss was too me, and it was a very unprofessional place in my opinion. Lots of gossiping, cursing, wasting time, smoking cigarettes in front of clients, and wearing snowmobile racing team neon green jackets around the office...true story. Most everyone was lazy and didn't want to do things that they should be doing as a part of their job. And, that made for a stressful, angry, un-enjoyable place to be. Obviously, losing income makes life a bit more difficult for me at this point, but like my man Forest's momma said a few years back, "Life is like a box of Chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get"
The Tasty Truffle
This Monday I had a meeting with a head football coach at a local University. If you don't know, I'm trying to become involved with football again after taking a 7 year vacation from the sport I love. I am volunteering as an assistant coach for spring ball starting Monday. It will be a trial run to see if I would fit as an assistant there for the fall. Timing seems to have been no less than perfect. The other great thing is, I'm going to be assisting a friend of mine I played with at Winona State and who also coached me there. It's a great situation to spend a couple weeks working in. The head coach is a great guy, great coach, and has been very generous to me. Interesting how things work out. But I have always said, for generally good people, who work hard and treat others with respect, good things ultimately happen. I believe that whole heartedly, and there seems to be a shred of light at the end of the tunnel. I made a decision to recognize what I'm most passionate about, and pursue that as a career. I am convinced it will be the only way I'm happy so, If I can be an example for others in my situation...great. If I'm just updating people on some new info...great. If people think that's a load of junk...great...just keep reading :).
UNC
Congrats to the Tar Heels and to everyone who won their brackets by picking the obvious. If you remember I said UNC wold beat Uconn in the final, but it was MSU instead. Let's be honest, it really didn't matter who they played they were going to steamroll whoever they played. It was great for Michigan State to go to Detroit and play in front of an amazing crowd in a city and state that greatly needed a "pick-me-up". Unfortunately, the Tar Heels got in the way. It is hard to remember a team that so dominated its opponent in the elite 8, final 4, and championship rounds. Oklahoma, Villanova, and Michigan State were all hot and playing well when they ran into the Heels. Each time those teams were forced into taking defended shots, play catch-up, and ultimately lose composure and shoot poorly. It was shocking how similar each of those games were. UNC nailing 3's, Ty Lawson creating havoc, and the bigs getting it done inside. They were just way too good across the board this year. And fun too watch, may I add. So long college hoops, we'll see you in a bit.
Come on Emanski!!
As the torch of college hoops is passed to baseball, I know I usually wanted to cry. I am not the biggest baseball fan. I think MLB is a sham of a sport with how the league is structured, and I think sport is supposed to represent a foundation of fairness and equality. A salary cap is ultimately the focal point in making a respective sport fair. So, when the Yankees can spend 5 times as much as other teams, that just isn't fair.............Enter Fantasy baseball!!! So I'm in a league of extraordinary gentlemen competing in fantasy baseball. Our league is a keeper league with a salary cap, free agents, auction style drafts, minor league drafts and players, and a waiver wire. It has single handedly made me appreciate and pay attention to baseball. Granted, it's mostly MY players I'm paying attention to, but it's a step. I am co-owner of a franchise with a good friend of mine and respected fantasy baseball mind, Scott Whitcomb. We own "Tom Emanski's Fundamentals Baseball Camp" Yes that is home to "Back to back to back AAU national champions" In fact, we're so dominant that people are already making spoofs about our powerful teaching videos:
Now, obviously, they're just jealous of the success and wanted to get some face time for their efforts...so there you go you ding-bats!! Emanski has a great and exciting team heading into the 09 season. We have a rising superstar in BJ Upton, a few fireball pitchers in Roy Halladay, Josh Beckett and Fransisco Liriano, and the future looks bright as well with a great farm system. After day 2 we were tied for first place, and looking forward to a great run at the championship. I will certainly keep you posted.
Change
As the season, sports, careers, and life in general change, one must remember that Change is the only constant...Other than the KValley Report, obviously. We will look at line-up changes in fantasy baseball for next week. I am looking for a great and drastic change in the temperature as the spring takes effect. I am looking forward to getting back out on the field and get my coaching on with some football players and coaches...for a change. I haven't changed my clothes yet today but I'm getting to that, still in pajamas. I changed up my breakfast today, as I went with some cereal instead of the sausage and scrambled eggs I had yesterday. Bottom line is; It's impossible to avoid change, so just roll with it. Enjoy the Masters that starts tomorrow...I got Tiger...I'll check back in with you soon Valley. Keep it Gutter.
"I'd love to go back to where we played as kids, but things change, it's just the way it is...That's just the way it is, Things will never be the same......" ~2Pac
Out like my paychecks
McQuillan
-Don't forget to holler at me with any ideas for the blog, or if you want to ask me out because my blog is so sexy, shoot me an email at kvalleyreport@gmail.com
Another Stat.
Well Valley, I became a statistic last week when I was laid off. One of those 10%, or whatever, of the unemployed Americans. Of course, I was the only person laid off from my firm and was told I was "too expensive" (I made less $17/hr) and we had a record month for bankruptcy sign-ups.....leave it to a lawyer to lie to someone's face huh?? Now, that place was hell to work at, honestly. I was miserable every day I went to work, I already talked about how vulgar my boss was too me, and it was a very unprofessional place in my opinion. Lots of gossiping, cursing, wasting time, smoking cigarettes in front of clients, and wearing snowmobile racing team neon green jackets around the office...true story. Most everyone was lazy and didn't want to do things that they should be doing as a part of their job. And, that made for a stressful, angry, un-enjoyable place to be. Obviously, losing income makes life a bit more difficult for me at this point, but like my man Forest's momma said a few years back, "Life is like a box of Chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get"
The Tasty Truffle
This Monday I had a meeting with a head football coach at a local University. If you don't know, I'm trying to become involved with football again after taking a 7 year vacation from the sport I love. I am volunteering as an assistant coach for spring ball starting Monday. It will be a trial run to see if I would fit as an assistant there for the fall. Timing seems to have been no less than perfect. The other great thing is, I'm going to be assisting a friend of mine I played with at Winona State and who also coached me there. It's a great situation to spend a couple weeks working in. The head coach is a great guy, great coach, and has been very generous to me. Interesting how things work out. But I have always said, for generally good people, who work hard and treat others with respect, good things ultimately happen. I believe that whole heartedly, and there seems to be a shred of light at the end of the tunnel. I made a decision to recognize what I'm most passionate about, and pursue that as a career. I am convinced it will be the only way I'm happy so, If I can be an example for others in my situation...great. If I'm just updating people on some new info...great. If people think that's a load of junk...great...just keep reading :).
UNC
Congrats to the Tar Heels and to everyone who won their brackets by picking the obvious. If you remember I said UNC wold beat Uconn in the final, but it was MSU instead. Let's be honest, it really didn't matter who they played they were going to steamroll whoever they played. It was great for Michigan State to go to Detroit and play in front of an amazing crowd in a city and state that greatly needed a "pick-me-up". Unfortunately, the Tar Heels got in the way. It is hard to remember a team that so dominated its opponent in the elite 8, final 4, and championship rounds. Oklahoma, Villanova, and Michigan State were all hot and playing well when they ran into the Heels. Each time those teams were forced into taking defended shots, play catch-up, and ultimately lose composure and shoot poorly. It was shocking how similar each of those games were. UNC nailing 3's, Ty Lawson creating havoc, and the bigs getting it done inside. They were just way too good across the board this year. And fun too watch, may I add. So long college hoops, we'll see you in a bit.
Come on Emanski!!
As the torch of college hoops is passed to baseball, I know I usually wanted to cry. I am not the biggest baseball fan. I think MLB is a sham of a sport with how the league is structured, and I think sport is supposed to represent a foundation of fairness and equality. A salary cap is ultimately the focal point in making a respective sport fair. So, when the Yankees can spend 5 times as much as other teams, that just isn't fair.............Enter Fantasy baseball!!! So I'm in a league of extraordinary gentlemen competing in fantasy baseball. Our league is a keeper league with a salary cap, free agents, auction style drafts, minor league drafts and players, and a waiver wire. It has single handedly made me appreciate and pay attention to baseball. Granted, it's mostly MY players I'm paying attention to, but it's a step. I am co-owner of a franchise with a good friend of mine and respected fantasy baseball mind, Scott Whitcomb. We own "Tom Emanski's Fundamentals Baseball Camp" Yes that is home to "Back to back to back AAU national champions" In fact, we're so dominant that people are already making spoofs about our powerful teaching videos:
Now, obviously, they're just jealous of the success and wanted to get some face time for their efforts...so there you go you ding-bats!! Emanski has a great and exciting team heading into the 09 season. We have a rising superstar in BJ Upton, a few fireball pitchers in Roy Halladay, Josh Beckett and Fransisco Liriano, and the future looks bright as well with a great farm system. After day 2 we were tied for first place, and looking forward to a great run at the championship. I will certainly keep you posted.
Change
As the season, sports, careers, and life in general change, one must remember that Change is the only constant...Other than the KValley Report, obviously. We will look at line-up changes in fantasy baseball for next week. I am looking for a great and drastic change in the temperature as the spring takes effect. I am looking forward to getting back out on the field and get my coaching on with some football players and coaches...for a change. I haven't changed my clothes yet today but I'm getting to that, still in pajamas. I changed up my breakfast today, as I went with some cereal instead of the sausage and scrambled eggs I had yesterday. Bottom line is; It's impossible to avoid change, so just roll with it. Enjoy the Masters that starts tomorrow...I got Tiger...I'll check back in with you soon Valley. Keep it Gutter.
"I'd love to go back to where we played as kids, but things change, it's just the way it is...That's just the way it is, Things will never be the same......" ~2Pac
Out like my paychecks
McQuillan
-Don't forget to holler at me with any ideas for the blog, or if you want to ask me out because my blog is so sexy, shoot me an email at kvalleyreport@gmail.com
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Hip-Hop Biography Vol. 1
Welcome back Valley, and boy do we have a treat for you today!! I know I like to touch on "music and lyrics", apologies to Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore, and today we're going to have even more fun with it by outlining true genius. When you think of musical genius I'm sure names like, Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder (is a musical genius...sniffle wipe) come to mind. Well I can promise you after you read this, Spice 1 will find himself in the discussion.
I asked a great friend and loyal ally to help me with this biography and he has supplied me with greatness. I love the way he was able to make this great hip-hop artist relevant and show why his work and career will forever be etched in KValley Report stone. Thank you "Perm" for your extraordinary contribution to the KValley Report.
Parental guidance is recommended.
Music You Can NOT Relate To:
I never ride down the block with a dead person sitting shotgun. I’ve never blown the head off a cow. I’ve never done a 187 with a bloody Jason mask on. These are the reasons that I love the music of Spice 1. Many of you may not be familiar with the music of Robert Green aka Spice 1. He’s a rapper from Hayward, California, and he was discovered by Too Short. I’m writing about him because I think he’s a great example of how music can be great in strange ways. Some people like music they can relate to. If your girl or guy broke up with you, maybe you want to listen to some sad songs that talk about that concept. Every Rose does Have It’s Thorn right? If you’re frustrated with Western politics, throw on Rage and tell your local congressman to Sleep Now in the Fire. Maybe you’re feeling a little frisky. I’m sure you don’t see nuthin’ wrong with a little R. Kelly. The list goes on. These are songs you can relate to. The great thing about Spice 1 is he rarely puts out anything that resembles something you can relate to. If you can relate to it, you are probably in jail. In which case, congrats on getting your hands on a computer and thanks for reading this! I love this crazy music and maybe after reading this you’ll understand why. But probably not.
Here are a few top choice Spice 1 lyrics followed by my thoughts.
I murda like this (this) I murda like that (that)
Pull an AK-47 up out my mother----n gangsta hat
That tasty lick comes from a song called “Kill ‘em All.” Now where can I even start with this? The first line is fairly simple. I feel like it gets you warmed up. The second line is an absolute gem. What kind of a “gangsta hat” is designed to conceal an AK-47? Now I certainly don’t own one, but in the movies, those things are at least 3 feet long. Is this hat shaped like a canoe? I can’t get enough of thinking about this.
I got a present and it come with a banana clip
Santa Claus mutha----- meet the hollow tip
That’s from an old one called “Runnin Out the Crack House.” I don’t think I have to really say much here, but when you’re threatening Santa with a hollow tip, you’ve reached a certain level of thug that’s only reached by a select few. I’m guessing this group of special thugs would consist of Spice 1, Mike Tyson, Ron Artest, Tracy Morgan, and maybe Chuck Norris.
Yeah, break em down with the Mack
And like John Madden 93, "BOOM!!! He's on his back!"
This one is from “Doncha Run Away.” I just love the fact that he’s cross referencing killing someone with a game that was played on the Sega Genesis!
My point is here that this is music that doesn’t really make sense, and that’s why it’s great. There is no one with a “computer voice” singing about lollipops or bartenders. Lil’ Wayne is NOT featured at all. There is no R&B in the chorus, unless you count Spice 1 pretending to have a Jamaican accent and singing about “smoking someone like a blunt.” Now his music is certainly not for everyone. You hopefully won’t be able to relate to it in any way. But give it a chance...Or Spice 1 will kill you.
-Thank you so much Perm, we sho' do 'preciate you...And now, while the Valley has had plenty examples of greatness by lyrics, I'm going to end this lesson with what can only be described as, "A higher education" of an American musical genius...
"Was born to die the S.P.I. With a player status of an OG since 'knee high'. Sportin the G hat with the short brim it's the gi-gi-de gangster, hustla, balla, whatever you wanna call uh. Straight player up in this game, puttin' it down for all you haters. Killin' em softly, raisin' em off me, keepin' it real so they can't fade us in the 9-6. I kicks back and roll the Vega up, nothin' but the Hennesy, champange, and Remy up in my cup. Living like a baller but I'm still a G, soaking up game in the East Bay streets, stacking up Fetti, S-P-I-C-E...Can you lo-ooove a playa man, can you really lo-ooove a playa man"
Out like an AK-47 from under the proverbial "gangster hat"
McQuillan
-Don't forget to send your ideas, stories, and pictures (if you're a cute girl) to kvalleyreport@gmail.com
I asked a great friend and loyal ally to help me with this biography and he has supplied me with greatness. I love the way he was able to make this great hip-hop artist relevant and show why his work and career will forever be etched in KValley Report stone. Thank you "Perm" for your extraordinary contribution to the KValley Report.
Parental guidance is recommended.
Music You Can NOT Relate To:
I never ride down the block with a dead person sitting shotgun. I’ve never blown the head off a cow. I’ve never done a 187 with a bloody Jason mask on. These are the reasons that I love the music of Spice 1. Many of you may not be familiar with the music of Robert Green aka Spice 1. He’s a rapper from Hayward, California, and he was discovered by Too Short. I’m writing about him because I think he’s a great example of how music can be great in strange ways. Some people like music they can relate to. If your girl or guy broke up with you, maybe you want to listen to some sad songs that talk about that concept. Every Rose does Have It’s Thorn right? If you’re frustrated with Western politics, throw on Rage and tell your local congressman to Sleep Now in the Fire. Maybe you’re feeling a little frisky. I’m sure you don’t see nuthin’ wrong with a little R. Kelly. The list goes on. These are songs you can relate to. The great thing about Spice 1 is he rarely puts out anything that resembles something you can relate to. If you can relate to it, you are probably in jail. In which case, congrats on getting your hands on a computer and thanks for reading this! I love this crazy music and maybe after reading this you’ll understand why. But probably not.
Here are a few top choice Spice 1 lyrics followed by my thoughts.
I murda like this (this) I murda like that (that)
Pull an AK-47 up out my mother----n gangsta hat
That tasty lick comes from a song called “Kill ‘em All.” Now where can I even start with this? The first line is fairly simple. I feel like it gets you warmed up. The second line is an absolute gem. What kind of a “gangsta hat” is designed to conceal an AK-47? Now I certainly don’t own one, but in the movies, those things are at least 3 feet long. Is this hat shaped like a canoe? I can’t get enough of thinking about this.
I got a present and it come with a banana clip
Santa Claus mutha----- meet the hollow tip
That’s from an old one called “Runnin Out the Crack House.” I don’t think I have to really say much here, but when you’re threatening Santa with a hollow tip, you’ve reached a certain level of thug that’s only reached by a select few. I’m guessing this group of special thugs would consist of Spice 1, Mike Tyson, Ron Artest, Tracy Morgan, and maybe Chuck Norris.
Yeah, break em down with the Mack
And like John Madden 93, "BOOM!!! He's on his back!"
This one is from “Doncha Run Away.” I just love the fact that he’s cross referencing killing someone with a game that was played on the Sega Genesis!
My point is here that this is music that doesn’t really make sense, and that’s why it’s great. There is no one with a “computer voice” singing about lollipops or bartenders. Lil’ Wayne is NOT featured at all. There is no R&B in the chorus, unless you count Spice 1 pretending to have a Jamaican accent and singing about “smoking someone like a blunt.” Now his music is certainly not for everyone. You hopefully won’t be able to relate to it in any way. But give it a chance...Or Spice 1 will kill you.
-Thank you so much Perm, we sho' do 'preciate you...And now, while the Valley has had plenty examples of greatness by lyrics, I'm going to end this lesson with what can only be described as, "A higher education" of an American musical genius...
"Was born to die the S.P.I. With a player status of an OG since 'knee high'. Sportin the G hat with the short brim it's the gi-gi-de gangster, hustla, balla, whatever you wanna call uh. Straight player up in this game, puttin' it down for all you haters. Killin' em softly, raisin' em off me, keepin' it real so they can't fade us in the 9-6. I kicks back and roll the Vega up, nothin' but the Hennesy, champange, and Remy up in my cup. Living like a baller but I'm still a G, soaking up game in the East Bay streets, stacking up Fetti, S-P-I-C-E...Can you lo-ooove a playa man, can you really lo-ooove a playa man"
Out like an AK-47 from under the proverbial "gangster hat"
McQuillan
-Don't forget to send your ideas, stories, and pictures (if you're a cute girl) to kvalleyreport@gmail.com
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